My First AA Meeting

I laid on the couch in front of the TV feeling just plain shitty.  This was after I had come done from the bedroom in a nightgown that was drenched.  I kept looking at the clock and what seemed like it was hours turned out to be minutes.  I kept turning over and looking at the clock and only one or two minutes that had clicked by. It was 3:30am, 3:32am and on and on till I got up and went downstairs to continue the process only without my boyfriend lying beside me snoring his way through it.

I Couldn’t Go On Like This…

I had stopped drinking many, many times.  But I always picked it up again and these last couple times I was in a place that I couldn’t believe I had gotten to.  Sitting here now at this computer I still don’t know how it happened as fast as it had.  Except for the fact that I had become an Alcoholic.  Like a REAL ONE.  Not like the ones you see wandering on the road rummaging through the trash (which now I have an entirely NEW appreciation for).

There is No Way I am an Alcoholic

Oh yes there is and I was.  I now understand that Alcoholism is truly something like a short circuit in your brain that alcohol causes.  Sometimes you may be happy, sometimes you may be sad.  Sometimes you may have a couple glasses of wine at a wedding or at a party and that is all you have, until THAT day.  You have a little at an event, then you go home and you have more and more until you fall asleep (or pass out).  I didn’t go to rehab though I know plenty of people that have.  Some it has worked for while others it has not.  I didn’t fall off the radar like many others did.

In the Meeting

I went to a meeting at a shelter. A shelter for addicts and alcoholics.  I sat in the back and shook because of my nervousness and my withdrawals.  A smiling face at the front led us through all this ritual, reading this, reading that, just seemed like it was something else that I didn’t need.  I mean this was stupid.  My name is ______ I am an alcoholic.  “HI, ________” and on and on it went.  As the meeting went on I felt worse physically.  But as I looked around the room there were others that looked a lot worse than me. They were living on the street or staying in the shelter and a voice in my head said, “You think you are better off than they are?  For how long?”

At the End

People approached me, one guy had 5 days in- but had several relapses. He looked normal but he was in a real bind.  Another guy that was kind and helped me navigate my way through the readings and was very kind hearted.  He also wad about 6’5 and I couldn’t believe the softness in his eyes as he looked at me.  Some women came up and jotted down their numbers and gave me a booklet for meetings.  Where I could go around the area at different times and how I could call for help to any one of them if I ever needed it.

It wasn’t at all like I had imagined

For the first time in a long time I felt at home.  I felt like these folks washed their dirty laundry with one another as well as me who they did not know at all.  I got that part.  I figured that the rest of it would come with time.

One Day At A Time

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