I am starting to learn that I must have commitment issues. Never really thought about it. Having a college degree and other graduate work doesn’t make me smart. It makes me complicate matters, it gives me more tools to find excuses for not doing something that I MUST do.
When something involves somebody else, they need help, they need something, I am all over it. I mean aren’t we put on this earth to help one another? I am always a good helper and why wouldn’t I be? I mean if I am helping someone else who can fault me? Well I think soon enough I can say, “ME.” Because helping other people to the point can take the focus off of what is really happening inside my head, inside me.
The Last Few Days
At AA Meetings, we have readings. People take a paragraph or two and read it out loud to the group, then they say, “PASS” and it goes on to the next person and it is their turn to read – if they choose not to they can say “PASS” then the next person carries on. The readings and the sharing has been focused on “SPONSOR.” Getting one, having one.
When I first started hearing about a SPONSOR, it was merely a buzzword, another buzzword in a string of them that I did not understand. I had heard of a SPONSOR before I went to AA but never really gave it another thought. I was starting to think that talking about a Sponsor in meetings showed the group that as an AA member you may be more committed to your sobriety than other people were. I wondered if that is how we established our “position” in that particular AA Meeting.
I think I was gathering facts to determine if I really belonged there or not. I could think to myself, “I am not an addict.” “I never was homeless.” “I never had to go to rehab.” “I never woke up in the hospital.”
My Own Sh*T
Excuse the poor grammar. But I have it. I have all these “escape routes” that keep me from doing the things I need to. I do believe in a Power greater than myself and I do believe that somehow, something somewhere puts things in front of me and if I am just paying attention or WANT to, it is only then that I see it. Most of the time I have layered so much on top of what needs to be done for me or my stuff, I fail to see it. I mean LEGIT. I have piled so much on things that I have lost what I lost and sometimes I don’t know what that even is anymore.
I Made the Call
One of my dearest friends (from a long time ago) asked me if I had a Sponsor late last week. He has been in the program for 20+ years and been sober. He doesn’t live near me but especially since I have been contemplating AA if I was a “candidate” we have become closer in the past couple months.
I called a woman that I met on the first day at my second meeting. This woman instantly gave me the “Living Sober” book to read and said, “If the ‘Big Book’ is a little overwhelming, try this. This book really helped me at first.” She had a quiet confidence and peace about her. I didn’t see her at every meeting that I went to but each time I did see her she came up to me and had some encouragement or some little tidbit that resinated with me.
After a :50 minute phone conversation and her agreement to be my sponsor, I felt a little peace within me. I really wasn’t alone. Even though I went to many meetings and met many people, this felt different. In a very good way.