After my sponsor meeting the other day, I had homework to do. It was a “First Step Worksheet.” Actually MANY sheets. We met late in the day and I had to get back to work and work later into the evening to finish up a few work things. I didn’t start on the worksheets until last night.
Who hasn’t dreaded a vacation? Actually, I don’t dread this vacation that is coming up next week, but I am really feeling stressed about things I need to get done before I go. I am three weeks sober-ish (I say -ish because I think becoming sober is a process it isn’t an event or point in time – until later on when I have been sober for a while and I am not sure when that will be exactly but I think I will know when I arrive there.) I haven’t had a drink in three weeks and I have been going to AA at least once a day each day for three weeks. After a couple of days of not drinking, I started thinking of the things I had let fall through the cracks when I was drinking. I realize it could be worse but I am a person that likes to complete what I promise and there are things I have needed to kick start that I had fallen behind in. And things I really wanted to initiate doing and haven’t. This vacation was planned months ago so canceling isn’t an option.
After I felt I was really going downhill emotionally and feeling overwhelmed today, I started thinking that maybe this vacation is just what I need. My Higher Power has given so much to think about. Each day, after each meeting, I have so much spinning around in my head. I want to figure it all out now. I need to learn that it took a long time to get “here,” so I cannot expect to get out of “here” in three weeks even though I really want to. There are many things and thoughts that have been shown to me and I think getting away from the daily work routine maybe helpful in my quest for “wellness.” Give me some “air space” to let things fall into place rather than jamming them into places that they don’t belong.
I finally got to the worksheets my sponsor gave me. When we met, she told me to take my time with them and that it was my recovery and we go at my pace. When I was ready to move, she was there to guide me. But after our conversation last night, (about 24 hours after we had sat at the picnic table with the worksheets), I could tell she was irritated that I hadn’t done the homework she gave me. She then said, “I know I told you to take your time but don’t over think it. Maybe you should take them on vacation with you and you can find a couple hours to do them.” I couldn’t get that “ick” feeling of disappointment out of my head. I felt like we have gotten off on the wrong foot.
But just like jamming things into place, I am not going to jam this relationship into place. We barely know each other. In fact I just figured out that she smoked (I don’t.) Breathe Janis, things will be okay. (She says to herself…)