I remember when I would wake up and sing out, “It’s FRIDAY!” This signaled the end of the week, the beginning of the weekend. Weekends of friends, fun and frolic. And alcohol.
Before the Craziness
My story is not one of “The first time I drank I blacked out”, or “I have been an out of control alcoholic for 25 years.” Since I am still new in this process, I may have been alcoholic or had an alcoholic mind for a long time, it didn’t all come to a head until about 8 months ago. Then I continued playing this game with myself thinking I could manage my drinking only it to become really weird and finally it made my life unmanageable. It was a slow process that accelerated exponentially at the end.
For years, I drank like “normal” people. After a hard week’s work, going on a fishing trip or other reasons to kick back and relax. I was excited for Fridays.
It Became A Blur
As a business owner and someone that is in a people oriented profession, cocktail parties, happy hours and receptions are the norm. There seems to be at least one or two during the week. Sometimes there would be a lunch date or a funeral and of course, you would have a few drinks then. A few years ago, it became daily. Usually starting in the late afternoon and going into the evening and most nights I would go to sleep with a good buzz going. (Sleeping came fast!)
The occasional bout with allergies (and they had to be bad), caused me to stop drinking because of the medications I was on. I couldn’t stand the pills and the booze together. Each time I would stop drinking, I felt so bad ramping up on the allergy meds, I wasn’t sure what were DT’s and what were steroids.
It occurred to me around Thanksgiving last year that people were reveling about long weekends of the holidays and that Friday was finally here. But I didn’t care. Fridays and long weekends didn’t mean the start of anything different for me, it was the continuation of what had been happening every day, every day for months. Then it began earlier and earlier in the day. I was never really sober. Ever.
There was no switching gears. No De-mark point. I was all ready in overdrive when it came to alcohol. There was no relaxation time, there was new stress of when I would be able to start drinking again for the day. If there were people around that were “normal,” how would I manage my buzz in such a way that I wouldn’t make a jackass of myself? In the end, I didn’t care about the jackass part but I never stopped caring about the next drink. When I was going to get it, where I may have to hide it so I could get it, I was always hiding – my booze, the drink that held my booze, my breath, the list felt endless.
Tomorrow is FRIDAY!
YAY tomorrow is Friday!! I may sing it out after I get off my knees from my bedside. I have been working hard all week. Early mornings and late nights. But now my Fridays and weekends are a switching of gears without the alcohol. The working in my garden, taking the dogs for a run, going to the farmer’s market, spending some time just smelling the roses (instead of the grapes like the old days!!) New meetings on Saturday and Sunday and seeing my AA friends there. And we will get through – together.
NOTE: I would like to thank all of you that read this blog. It is encouraging to me to know that others may be feeling the same way that I am and going through what I am. You are in my prayers.