The first AA Meeting where I was “Shaking and Baking” my way through it, people approached me and offered their phone numbers. Still in a daze not knowing anything about this practice, I took them and was thankful. But when I needed them I went to voice mail.
Alcoholics are Train Wrecks
I know better now. Of course the first day I felt like the worst wreck of all and I am not so sure that was accurate, it just felt that way. I tried calling two of the numbers that were given to me, no one answered. One voice mail was quite “anonymous” I wasn’t even sure that I got the right number to begin with. I felt very alone and a little pissed. I mean why offer a number and then not even return the call? CAN’T YOU SEE I AM IN CRISIS?
My Dearest Friend from “Away”
The weeks and days leading up to my decision to go to my first meeting were hell. I have mentioned before about an old friend that came up to see me (300+ miles ) to make amends. I hadn’t seen him in ages, I didn’t know what he was talking about. But he talked about AA, he talked about his feelings and I stored that in my head and sent him a few texts over the next few months asking him questions to which he always answered. We also had some phone conversations. I knew I could talk to him. So I called him that first day when I couldn’t talk to my “new friends.” He told me to keep finding meetings to go to, to help me keep my head on straight during the sh*t withdrawals and hang in. He called me back a few times throughout the day. I am forever grateful. Now we talk on a more “normal” schedule and not always about AA. But hey, I am still green at this!
What I Learned
First this was my first go ’round with “resentment.” And I don’t mind admitting I felt it. Since then I have thrown those wasted feelings over the side of life. I have tons more but in fairness, these folks are just like me. They are as perfect as I am! (Humor) They saw me desperate, sitting in the back of that meeting, gave me their phone numbers as they probably had hundreds of times before. But to me that was my first time getting numbers. Those numbers felt like a lifeline to me. But I made it. I did talk to someone that was there all the time and in fact said what needed to be said to get me to AA in the first place. Only he didn’t know it. Now he does.
When it is My Turn
I have not raised my hand to be a “contact.” My excuse is, I am working on ME right now. I do share my number with those people that I see regularly and have sent out supportive texts and left supportive emails to them, given a few rides. I am not sure I am ready for the “random” call and maybe that was what these folks felt too? Maybe I was just another “random” drunk?
For now it is another day. Another day in paradise. SOBER paradise.