Hard Work?

I have heard many people say, “It was hard work.”  Or “He has really been working hard.”  I have heard this in meetings as well as prior to my attendance at meetings.

Athlete

I was an athlete and a pretty good one in school.  So my understanding of working hard usually is related to repeat laps in a pool in a certain interval, pushups, etc.  Or in academics, I also took pretty seriously so “working hard” meant studying.  I wasn’t too thrilled with anything in the mathematic realm but especially there, I understood what hard work was.  There was some meaningful result that came from it.  Something you could see or measure.  A great time in an event, a great grade at the end of the semester.  You can look at it and see how your work is paying off.

The Steps

In meetings, people say they worked hard and so far I really had no idea what that meant, to me it was more of an expression than anything else.  I did realize hard work was living through the DT’s, sweats and general physical sh&tty feeling, I had for the first couple of weeks of sobriety.  And not picking up a drink or hanging out with my old drinking buddies was a bummer some people may call that work.

Where Did that Come From?

My sponsor has me doing worksheets that are helping me understand what the steps mean and why they are important.  Why it is important for me to understand WHY I drink not just the act of drinking itself.  As I sit down with these sheets I find myself getting pretty sad and sometimes crying.  And yet there is nothing I can seem to write down. It is something that is inside me and I cannot seem to understand it enough to put it into words.  I have never had this happen to me before and I am confused, really confused.

Daily Call

I called my sponsor, which I try really hard to do every day (at her instruction) and it was a less than productive call.  I haven’t talked to her in a couple days, left messages but haven’t spoken to her.  She seemed annoyed.  I found out that she was on her way to a meeting only after we had a couple of curt words for one another about my decision to go to a meeting at lunch time in a place that was near where a work meeting had just ended.  I also shared with her that I was having a hard time working with my homework on the steps and she seemed pretty short about that too.  I ended the call with, “Well you better get to your meeting, so you wont be late.” Then I hung up. And cried.  I was pissed, frustrated and confused.

Turning the Tables

I called a friend of mine from my home group that I knew was having tests today.  She is single and alone.  She had confided in me that she was pretty scared and I had called her earlier in the day, left her a message and thought calling her to give her a little support would change my mood.  And it did.  I felt better and she was happy that I called her.

The Text

Several moments later a text came through on my phone.  Someone who’s number I got over the weekend.  She asked me how I was doing? I said not so good, she asked if I was going to the meeting down the street.  I decided after getting sh&t on all ready for going to meetings about 10 minutes before, that probably going to another one today was not a good idea.  And of course, I was suspicious of the text in the first place.  Did my sponsor put her up to it?  Does she even know my sponsor?  They both were at the same meeting.  I still am confused.  I still am sad.  She had some encouraging words for me, I was honest but still decided not to go.  I guess I know now a little bit more about “working hard.”  When I read back through this I call it drama and I am not sure I like it at all.

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3 thoughts on “Hard Work?

  1. Gosh, I’m SO SORRY you had to go through that!! THINGS LIKE what your sponsor did…..IS not putting the AA…or for me Gamblers Anonymous principals…..”PUT Principals before Personalities”…..she let you down, not the other way around. It is one of the reason’s I quit my Local GA meeting, and started going to a new one 35 miles from where I live. YOU did nothing wrong. SPONSORS need to be helping you, work WITH you on the steps, NOT give you worksheets and then send you on your way…….As a Sponsor myself, I make sure I meet with all I sponsor, we meet for an hour and 1/2 at a coffee shop, and we read, and discuss a step at a time. WHY?? Because that is required of a Sponsor by the AA or GA guidelines.

    It is sad, but some Sponsors can be into more of the DRAMA, and the TITLE of being a sponsor then they are BEING ONE. I’ve been in recovery many years, and know that you treat people that way because it can cause a them to slip…….Maybe you should find a BETTER Sponsor??? The key to working and understanding the STEPS the 1st go around, YES…..I said the 1st go around, because to have GROWTH in your Recovery, you need to continue working and APPLYING the steps on a continues basis. You don’t do them once then your done. NOPE…they more you rework them the more you will Change and Evolve in your recovery. It’s HOW YOU Attain long term Recovery. 🙂 🙂
    I wish you all the BEST!! You know what??? You can send me an EMAIL ANYTIME if you need help on your steps OK?? tomcatt59@yahoo.com
    Catherine 🙂

    • Catherine thank you so so much. I gotta say I was feeling pretty crappy yesterday and it seemed like no matter where I put my foot down it was into a pile of sh*t ! I am thankful today that I didn’t run to the bottle, in fact I even overanalyzed the fact that I didn’t even feel like doing that, instead of cheering for the fact that I may have grown a little in 48 days (yesterday!) But it your encouragement that helps me to know there are people that do care about me and that I am not alone in my struggle. I hope the sun shines on your day today because you shined on mine.

  2. Pingback: Dear John…(Part Une – That means ONE) | iwanttotakemylifeback

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