The AA experience is new for me. I am a “first time – newcomer” therefore the rules are all new, most of the terms are new and meanwhile I am not drinking…
Singleness of Purpose
I think the best thing I hear at AA is when “The Singleness of Purpose” is read at nearly every meeting I attend. Here are a couple pieces: “The only requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking…Our primary purpose is to stay sober and help other alcoholics achieve sobriety.” Here is a link to the whole thing if you would like to read it. Many days when my head is spinning round and round, hearing these words reminds exactly why I am sitting in this very room at this very time.
My desire to STOP drinking . This grounds me. Since I am not even at 60 days yet, the lack of “liquid” anesthesia has cleared my mind significantly as well as started the brain engine and gone right into overdrive and I find myself emotionally mixed up.
The Phone Numbers
I have gotten phone numbers and I have used them on occasion. But I am not at the teeth gnashing stage where I am clawing for a drink so I don’t say, “I HAVE TO CALL SOMEONE!” If someone texts me or calls me that is in AA without provocation, I find it refreshing and gets me out of my own head. So it would be good for me to use the numbers to get to know people, so when I do need that lifeline the relationship is established. AND I have provided support for them too.
Last week I posted about an odd conversation that I had with my Sponsor. Well I actually, it threw me into a funk, I was in one to begin with and then when I called her at the designated time she instructed me to, I asked her some questions about how I was feeling as I was doing step work, she sounded irritated that I would even ask. Something I was surprised and frustrated to hear from her.
I don’t know what I was thinking. I was thinking early on, “I am screwed up, I came to AA and now they say I need a Sponsor so I guess I will get one.” I did. But it was the wrong one. It may be just the wrong one for the time I am not sure. But after I struggled with my empty feelings and confusion I decided she wasn’t the sponsor I needed.
Same Ole Same Ole
I called my Sponsor the next night at the designated time and once again – like most often it seemed, I went to voice mail. I left one. Then I went to a meeting. I didn’t get a call back, in fact seldom would I get any callback from her unless I specifically asked for one. I then called her back later in the evening, voice mail again. I decided to leave the dreaded “Dear John” voicemail and said that I didn’t think this was working and that I probably jumped into the Sponsor thing too fast, trying to solve all my problems with the AA prescription all at once. Feeling relieved that I had “done the deed,” and now I could move on. I prayed about it that night.
The Next Day
It was interesting to me that I didn’t receive any call from my Sponsor that evening but mid morning I did get a voice mail (I was working) from her acknowledging my voice mail and she was hoping to see me at the “Steps Sisters” evening meeting. She also said she would “respect my wishes” as she put it. We swapped voice mails a couple of times throughout the day, which further cemented in my mind that the Higher Power was showing me the truth about the relationship between she and I. We weren’t friends. We weren’t friends first. I was treating her like what I thought a Sponsor was supposed to be, someone to give me direction and a way through this life without alcohol and she never told me differently.
So I have no Sponsor and for right now I am very content with that. In the meantime, I am getting to know more people and come to find out many of them have decided at one time or another a certain Sponsor wasn’t working for them. SOme said they may have chosen one and as they got through the process, that Sponsor exhibited the very qualities that made them react in such a way that they would drink. And with that “Singleness of Purpose” inside my head I am working today not to drink. The rest of it will come.