Self-Centered…HUH?

Today was a big day for me.  It was “Yellow Chip” day.  60 Days and no booze.  I was especially happy to snap up that chip today because I have had some challenges recently.

Sunday Mornings At the Shelter

Any day you go to a shelter, it can be a real crap shoot.  I mean this with all respect possible but the reality is, an emergency shelter is just that – and the folks with the emergencies can have emergencies that some of us can’t even fathom.  Sundays, the AA Meeting  is at 9am and there are a lot of folks that attend the meeting that are not patrons of the shelter but we integrate with them.  Many of the shelter patrons would not otherwise be able to attend a meeting if it wasn’t held there. 

Lots of Sobriety

Another new term that I have come to know.  There are many folks at that Sunday Meeting with many. many years of sobriety that us “newcomers” can listen to and get strength from.  And from what they tell me, the newcomers remind the “old timers” just how fragile sobriety is and that working for sobriety is how you keep it.  

The 12 and 12

Today’s reading was about the 12 and 12 – which is a book that is about the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions.  The part we read out loud today was Step 5.  Step 5:  “Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.”  Well, if you have been reading my blog, then you will know that I fired my Sponsor and don’t have one today.  So even though I have heard about Step 5, read it through several times I haven’t done Step 5 work.  I haven’t finished Step 1 and 2 yet!  But today was Step 5.

Sharing

As usual, people shared around the room.  And as usual, the information shared was all over the place.  But one thing was paramount. A person needs to “unload or get loaded” was the term used.  Meaning that a person needs to confess all that they can in order to move on. Or risk sobriety.  I like to think about what causes my bad choices. Alcohol being one of them.  Am I going to be able to do this? All of a sudden something popped into my head.  TRUST.  How can unload anything when I am just this minute saying in front of all these people that I have problems trusting people, much less telling my secrets to “…one other person the exact nature of” MY “wrongs?”    

“I’m Sorry But We Are Out of Time”

I was last to share and still sort of buzzing in my chair of the revelation that just happened.  I am very good with secrets, lock them up inside me, I believe someone’s story told to me is GOLD and is to be held as priceless.  NEVER to be told to anyone else.  I think I feel like that is because I expect that in return. In fact, I have dissolved friendships when someone has violated my trust and lost friends in my life because I have refused to spill my guts about someone else.  Maybe I will learn through this process that that expectation may be unfair but we will see what happens when we get there.  As in every AA meeting, I have been to, the chips were laid on the table and described and I was able to go get my 60 day yellow chip.  A roar of support came from the group as I picked it up, I got hugs and handshakes. THEY were with me.

Fear

As I was leaving, one of the old timers came up to me and said, “Congratulations I am proud of you and here is some homework, go look up Self Centered Fear.”   Once I got home I looked it up.  Here is what I found.  As I said above, I like to know what causes things, why I do things.  What is the real reason.  Looks like I have more homework to do.

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6 thoughts on “Self-Centered…HUH?

  1. Congrats on 60 days. That’s awesome! Trust will come when it comes. My only advice is try to get to enamored with time in sobriety. Whether someone has 50 years or 50 days, they are still sober just like you are.

  2. Congratulations! Though we all just have today, I think racking up time is fantastic because your brain is healing and recovering. More time means less post acute withdrawal and more mental and physical strength to keep growing in recovery. So give yourself permission to go to any lengths, and work those Steps!

  3. Congrats on 60 days clean! you should be very proud of yourself, im a recovering addict as well I understand the stuggle to stay clean. I can relate to your fear of sharing, because I have the same problem, even though in the meeting they say its a no judgement zone I still have trouble sharing my personal experiences and feelings. All the best to you and your recovery! Remember, one day at a time!

    • Thank you for your feedback. Funny I had something happen today that I decided to write a new post about this very topic. Hope it isn’t over the line but I am writing it anyway. Good luck with your journey and I will think of you in your challenges – we aren’t alone, thank GOD for that!

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