Edgy? Hell, I was OVER the Edge!

Telling those you love that you are going to AA is a real challenge for the “newcomer.” (At least it was for me) I didn’t even want to say it to myself much less to someone else!

Not So Edgy…

My mom and I have a great relationship.  I know I am fortunate and I must say it wasn’t always that way.  (That is a subject for another day).  As the years wore on my mom and I started spending more time together.  We live two hours away from each other and have a family camp that we meet at often.  So even though we do live a distance from one another we do see each other and talk on the phone almost every day.  She has seen quite a lot of me in these past 70 “chem-free” days.

Stopping the Lies

Since I spend so much time with my mother, I have been “sneaking around” for years.  Stashing my booze in places she wouldn’t find it.  Kinda felt like I was in high school!  If she found my booze what would I say? “No Mom, I am holding it for a friend.”  Say what?  We would drink together at dinner or a celebratory drink when we saw each other at camp.  So it wasn’t like she cared if I drank.  But I knew if she knew, HOW I drank and HOW MUCH I drank and HOW OFTEN I drank she would be horrified, disappointed and VERY anxious.  I never wanted that.  But I digress.  I decided relatively early on, I needed to tell her it was AA Meetings I was going to and not just taking off to go to some bar (which could have been the case).  She didn’t ask much at the time but what could I expect?  I honestly – even now believe that she had no idea that alcohol was running my life.  I am sure she felt that I drank too much but what equals “TOO MUCH” ?

“THOSE” People

In her “Mom sort of a way” she did her on research on what AA was.  She has a friend that is a nurse and I think she has asked her about it.  I would rather her not tell her friend I am in AA, because she is somewhat of a “Chatty Cathy” but if talking to her friend that is a big AA supporter apparently gives her some peace as to my new habits then, hey that is a good thing!  Every once in a while she may drop a “those people are good to each other,”  “they really support each other”, stuff like that.  I answer the questions she asks me honestly and there are more of them now that time has gone on.  This past weekend as I had to do a “command performance” for work-and she was there, she said, “I am so proud of you.  I am so proud that you are doing AA.”

After we got home

We were talking about the day and I asked her if she thought I had changed since I started going to AA or just that I have stopped drinking all together.  She said, “Well you LOOK better, so healthy and content.  And not so ‘edgy.’ ”

I found that interesting that she used the term ‘edgy.’  NO DOUBT I was edgy.  Edgy was becoming my middle name, I felt paranoid all the time, almost like someone was going to shoot me out of a cannon or was watching everything I was doing in order to criticize me.  Or worse yet, find out I was a drunk and completely spiraling out of control.

Every Day is a New Day, A Fresh Start

In our early morning meetings there is a man that frequently attends and is new in the program like me.  He says that almost every time he speaks and he is right.  I am so happy that I don’t feel like people can see my heart pounding from outside my chest anymore because it isn’t.  And when I do find myself getting a bit “squirrelly” I just stop and think and slow down the madness and don’t run for a drink!!  It is a new day, BRING IT.

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4 thoughts on “Edgy? Hell, I was OVER the Edge!

  1. What a Fantastic Blog Post!! I wish I had the support of my mom in that way when she was still here. CHERISH your Mom while you can… 🙂 However, I do know how you feel about “THOSE PEOPLE”…..LOL….One thing that pissed me off was, AFTER you start to tell family or very close friends you are going to AA, NA, or for me it was GA–Gamblers Anonymous & Out-patient treatment, they then say….”WELL, I thought you might have a gambling problem, but I didn’t want to say anything”..!!!……WHAT THE H _ _L!

    So, telling people can be a double edge sword. THE WORST THING I ever did in front of my family was take my MEDS for my Mental & Emotional disorders in front of them…….They treated ME DIFFERENT after that……AND…..Family can also be ignorant……My Father, or 2 sisters have not spoken to me since my mom passed in 2003…..???? WHO DOES THAT?? I’LL TELL YOU…..People who feel SHAME, because they don’t have compassion for others. They THINK ignoring the PERSON is better then to ACKNOWLEDGE! WELL…..I SAY….That’s on THEM, Not ME! AND it’s Their LOSS…..NOT mine 🙂 🙂
    FUNNY THING……..

    With me & Hubby Relocating to Arizona…….I will ONLY BE 4 1/2 Hours from where my DAD and SISTERS LIVE….Not 12 hrs……HHHHHMMMM I FEEL A ROAD TRIP COMING ON???? …LOL….WOULD Love to see what they have to say to ME IN PERSON???….Author, Catherine Lyon
    THANKS for a great share! 🙂

    • Hey girl! I know what you mean by being lucky on having a supportive Mom. It is a BLESSING really. My Mom always takes on more kids, so if you ever need a Mom that will truly love you unconditionally she the one for you! I have friends from High School that are in their 50’s now that still stop by and visit her, just because. I do have other family trash (and who hasn’t) but I have stuffed it away for years and then when things bubbled up…well I drank and the rest is history! I wish you all the luck in AZ, I hope all the hectic moving will work out and hope you are getting some peace in your life. XXOX

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