When I was drinking I spent a lot of time doing it. I mean I was GOOD at it. It came in various forms called, networking, meetings, after work celebrations. But it always included drinking, until the drinking became the event itself.
The Last 76 Days
I have been to 93 meetings. That means 1.22 meetings per day or if I only count a meeting at 1 hour (which it is more than that usually) 5% of my time has been spent on my sobriety. I am also not counting the extra reading or this blog in that 5% number. I cannot even to begin to guess how much non-sobriety time I may have had in that same 76 days had I not gone to that first AA Meeting on June 20, 2013. I really kind of wonder if I would have made it INCIDENT FREE if I had continued drinking. God only knows what was to lie ahead if I was still drinking. There could have been a drunk driving charge or worse, a hospital visit, because I was feeling like SH&T and we all know we cannot count on what “might have been.” I can only thank God for helping me every day to not know what “might have been.”
I hear at a lot of meetings that I wont feel completely underwater when it comes to AA. I have immersed myself in it or at least I thought I had until I actually did the math. But I am doing a lot of things a little bit different. I am trying really hard not to sabotage myself. I am trying to hang out in safer situations that don’t set me up for feeling deprived or lonely. Trying to get that meeting in so I get my head right. But I am working like “normal” people work, following up with customers, like “normal” people do and just being “normal” …I guess. It did occur to me recently that I didn’t really know what “normal” was!
My style of alcoholism is to feel guilty for just about everything and worry about just about everything. So once my head started clearing out I was really trying to catch up on the “lost” hours I spent drinking, drunk or hungover. And c’mon that isn’t realistic. I don’t have the “I have been drinking hard for 35 years…” story but I have been drinking in a “effecting my work and my life way for 2-3 years.” So with that in mind I have lets say 36 months of guilty time to catch up and let’s face it, “It aint gonna happen in 2 1/2 months!” But it is happening. My head has been clearing and I have been putting in the hours and getting stuff done. I think I always tried to accomplish too much in too short of a time which is another stress or trigger point that sets me up for burying it under the waterfall of booze.
Back to Basics
I am sure I have said something about this before in one blog or another but I am famous for burying myself in stuff that does not ALL have to be done today. Yes it has to be done. But not all of it today. AA tells us slogans like “One Day At A Time” and “Keep It Simple” and they even sell bumper stickers like this! So I am not so unique to feel this way! So in addition to meetings, I am breathing more, lighting some candles, praying and living this crazy life, one day at a time.