Sorry if I left anyone in the lurch. And thank you for the emails asking if I was okay, lots of this typing that I do, I just kind of think I am dumping my head out onto the kitchen table and looking at what I see. Most of the time, it looks like goulash. Not sure what is in it some days and certainly not sure what comes out of it. Most of the time, I think I am the only one looking this blog and reading it, never to realize the little community that comes here. Thank you very much for caring.
Small Percentage “Make it”
Within the first few weeks of AA Meetings I would hear people say, “Only 1 in 30 make it” and it used to piss me off. And to be honest, it still does. When people actually take the time to figure out, tell others so others can repeat it and it goes viral, I feel like we are kicking ourselves in the face. Setting ourselves up to fail. Giving me an excuse to fail because “Only 1 in 30 make it.” AA, to me, is a “can do” program. And when you think you can’t do or your head is full of goulash, you can go to a meeting, into a room where people “GET IT.” Perfect strangers can help you get through it and NOT fail. And the beauty is, often the person helping you is equally helped.
Yes, today is Day 117. Since my last post, I have collected a green chip (that is in my pocket) and Thursday, God willing, I will collect up a Blue Chip. 4 Months doesn’t seem like a long time but if someone told me that I would be feeling like this 4 months ago, I wouldn’t believe it, much less be able to describe it. When things get screwy in my head or I forget something, I don’t have to wonder about it anymore. Like, “Was I drunk when I promised or did that?” “Oh no, I have some blank spots in that situation, what happened?” The list of anxieties go on and on.
“It Works If You Work It”
Today is today and that is what I have. Nothing to drink and I am not consumed with the idea. I have been working the program, trying to keep things normal yet trying to do and think differently.
My initial goal for this blog, was to use it as a processing point for me. I write things for people, I have proofread as a profession, I write for technical companies, so writing comes naturally for me, more so than speaking to someone. ESPECIALLY when it is the processing of feelings. AND I don’t have to count on others or have an audience to listen to me. So, as I was getting up every morning, going to the shelter for an AA Meeting and often going to more than one in a day, I was ‘Workin’ it.” And not really feeling like I wanted to blog about it because it was becoming a routine of living instead of a struggle for survival that the blog writing helped me sort through. I don’t want the blog to become some sort of Albatross around my neck like the Ancient Mariner. This blog is therapy not punishment. Just like at one point Booze was my friend I thought until one day it wasn’t. So rather than to stop blogging I still will as my thoughts are sorting and I hope to see you there!