Finding the Pieces in my Puzzle

It seems that every day I have several ups and downs.  Sometimes it is a moment of bliss and other times I feel pretty good for a few hours.  Then the same goes for feeling angry but I am still not drinking over any of it.

Keeping Busy

Drinking or not drinking I was always one to stay busy. In fact, I was staying busy when I was drinking I used to do stuff over and over or try to stay busy to meter my drinking so I COULD actually get stuff done.  But I am seeing so many things that I did when I was drinking that now I am finding, just didn’t make a lot of sense, surprising, huh?  I am talking about daily tasks.

Unpacking

A little more than a year ago we moved.  This house we moved to is the house of my dreams.  Until I stopped drinking it was a nightmare.  Put me over the top.  We still have our old house and are still sorting through things and fixing it up to sell it.  There was a lot of things to do.  We probably shouldn’t have moved there in the first place, we lived there for 9 years and hated every minute of it.  The location was good for some things but horrendous for living.

Scattered Brains

I can see now that I am unpacking things that maybe I actually was progressing into the abyss of alcoholism 10 years ago instead of a year ago like I originally thought. I can see where I packed things up in a box from my two moves ago that I never unpacked, then bought new.  Since there were so many times in that 10 years or so that I out and out stopped drinking I told myself that I could give it up any time because I did.  AND I also convinced myself it was booze that was my problem and not ME and MY “stinking thinking.”

Silver Bullet

I have said about other people that they are always look for the silver bullet to fix the problem and oftentimes there isn’t one silver bullet.  Of course because I talk about it in regard to other people, it is something that I have myself and I have a lot of it.  I thought that if I lost weight I would feel better about myself, become more active I would feel better about myself, the list goes on.

Really what I needed to do, was to stop drinking.  Then ONCE I stopped drinking, I was able my way clear to deal with the rest of the crap that I never could see before.  When I mentioned above that I stopped drinking several times, I did.  Most of the time it was for a diet or for medication that I was prescribed and alcohol was tabu.  I would stick it out and follow doctor’s orders.

This Time Was Different

When I stopped drinking this time I was feeling so awful.  Awful about everything.  It was the first day of summer and I was in the dead of winter emotionally, spiritually and physically.  My guts ached.  I dragged my a$$ to my first AA Meeting at the shelter in the city across the river from where I live.  I wasn’t sure I was going to make it without going to rehab.  I had never been to an AA meeting because I wasn’t an alcoholic.  And I truly believe if my friend from Boston hadn’t looked me up that day a year before to some make amends, I still may not have even thought about AA.  Things happen for a reason.  Some of the things he had said to me stuck in my head but I never admitted to him until later that I was even considering AA because I wasn’t then.  I wasn’t an alcoholic.  I just like to drink to relax, to unwind or to have fun.  Somewhere along the way it wasn’t fun anymore.

 

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