It seems that every day I have several ups and downs. Sometimes it is a moment of bliss and other times I feel pretty good for a few hours. Then the same goes for feeling angry but I am still not drinking over any of it.
Drinking or not drinking I was always one to stay busy. In fact, I was staying busy when I was drinking I used to do stuff over and over or try to stay busy to meter my drinking so I COULD actually get stuff done. But I am seeing so many things that I did when I was drinking that now I am finding, just didn’t make a lot of sense, surprising, huh? I am talking about daily tasks.
A little more than a year ago we moved. This house we moved to is the house of my dreams. Until I stopped drinking it was a nightmare. Put me over the top. We still have our old house and are still sorting through things and fixing it up to sell it. There was a lot of things to do. We probably shouldn’t have moved there in the first place, we lived there for 9 years and hated every minute of it. The location was good for some things but horrendous for living.
I can see now that I am unpacking things that maybe I actually was progressing into the abyss of alcoholism 10 years ago instead of a year ago like I originally thought. I can see where I packed things up in a box from my two moves ago that I never unpacked, then bought new. Since there were so many times in that 10 years or so that I out and out stopped drinking I told myself that I could give it up any time because I did. AND I also convinced myself it was booze that was my problem and not ME and MY “stinking thinking.”
I have said about other people that they are always look for the silver bullet to fix the problem and oftentimes there isn’t one silver bullet. Of course because I talk about it in regard to other people, it is something that I have myself and I have a lot of it. I thought that if I lost weight I would feel better about myself, become more active I would feel better about myself, the list goes on.
Really what I needed to do, was to stop drinking. Then ONCE I stopped drinking, I was able my way clear to deal with the rest of the crap that I never could see before. When I mentioned above that I stopped drinking several times, I did. Most of the time it was for a diet or for medication that I was prescribed and alcohol was tabu. I would stick it out and follow doctor’s orders.
This Time Was Different
When I stopped drinking this time I was feeling so awful. Awful about everything. It was the first day of summer and I was in the dead of winter emotionally, spiritually and physically. My guts ached. I dragged my a$$ to my first AA Meeting at the shelter in the city across the river from where I live. I wasn’t sure I was going to make it without going to rehab. I had never been to an AA meeting because I wasn’t an alcoholic. And I truly believe if my friend from Boston hadn’t looked me up that day a year before to some make amends, I still may not have even thought about AA. Things happen for a reason. Some of the things he had said to me stuck in my head but I never admitted to him until later that I was even considering AA because I wasn’t then. I wasn’t an alcoholic. I just like to drink to relax, to unwind or to have fun. Somewhere along the way it wasn’t fun anymore.