Confusion and Anxiety

It is funny that for some reason I thought all the fuzziness in my head would go away when I stopped drinking.  Sometimes I think sober fuzziness is worse.  Nothing to blame but myself, cannot blame the booze, my friends, just me.

Here She Is in All Her Glory

Yeah me, that’s me. And if you have read any of my previous posts, especially the early ones, I mentioned a lot about anxiety.  Lying on the couch or in bed trying to get the wheels from spinning, my heart from pounding, my head from aching.  After a few days of no alcohol all that passed.  I was so grateful for not sweating and shaking I think it may have calmed my nerves just because of that.  I could drive my car and not worry about the police, I could remember what had happened the night before, hell the day before and though physically I did feel kinda sh&tty, the fog was lifting and I was grateful.  I went to meetings – sometimes 3 in a day.  I wanted to get focused on the simple stuff that AA offered me as “soul food.”

The Steps

I would hear all these new words and terms.  Not to say this with any attitude I have several years under my belt in higher education so I wasn’t accustomed to simple terms and words alluding me.  I would read the steps, read some stuff in meetings in the group, I would be participating.  I had no idea what was about to come, I really had no idea what they meant.

Sponsor

I had a Sponsor right away.  For me this was a bad idea.  She is a very nice person but I was no where near ready to get working,  I needed to keep from sinking back into the pool of vodka most of all.  It seems that many sponsors (around here anyway) try to “fast track people” many people that I know have been long through the Steps and they haven’t even been sober for a year.  NOT that this is bad for them, it isn’t right for me.  PART of my problem I am learning is that I like to hurry up and get something done so I can go on to something else, even when I really didn’t complete the task fully, just enough to move on to the next thing.

This is Important

I fired my first Sponsor – I wrote about that.  She was a busy person and really didn’t have what I needed.  I needed someone to build a relationship with so I felt comfortable telling my horror stories.  I am also learning that I don’t trust others easily.  I was out for coffee with someone I really liked and she was pretty laid back and I was asking her about what a person was to expect from a Sponsor/Sponsee relationship and was I being too needy.  She explained her relationship with her sponsor and others she knew. It was clear to me that it really was an individual thing – there was no RIGHT or WRONG.  Her Sponsor had just told her it was time for her to find a Sponsee.  The rest is history.

Lots to Learn

The first month I was still really coming out of the fog, much less understanding all the AA bullsh&t that people served the crowd at the meetings.  AND I was pretty tired.  My head hurt a lot.  I actually slept again. Like the whole night and several nights in a row and no sweats.  It has been Summer here and I have been loving the garden, the sunrise and my early morning meetings.

Here We Go Again

I have been working Step 4.  That to me was/is torture. It really has pointed out some stuff that is painful and confusing.  It has shown me some stuff that I have NOT wanted to deal with that I have known about for some time.  So here I go again.  Just need to not drink this time.

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