Some drunks are very boisterous and like to pick fights, I have learned that I let people walk on me my whole life, I hate conflict. I want everyone to be friends. Sometimes you have to be your own first.
Why is Everyone Yelling?
In my house growing up there was a lot of yelling. My dad, a pretty unhappy guy did most of it. While I don’t recall any physical abuse between my parents, my fathers anger about himself, our financial situation and sometimes my brother or I playing the stereo too loud, spilled over onto the kitchen table more than once. I learned early in life to be a peace maker. My brother on the other hand, used different coping skills often those that really pissed my father off even more, again no physical abuse but certainly demeaning comments were rampant. Meanwhile I stayed silent, went to my room or tried to make my Dad happy so he would stop being such an asshole and it usually worked.
This was a role I have flourished in my whole life and I started young. I am a person that can be trusted, I don’t tell other people’s secrets. While working on my Fourth Step I had this on my list of positives. I am very loyal. Once I dive into something that I am loyal to, I will fight to the death for it. This goes for people and this goes for my company. But as my sponsor has pointed out to me, for all the things in the bad column there is an opposite in the good column and vice versa.
Now that I can sit back and look at things not only with a sober eye but with a soul that is changing and getting deeper, i can see that me trying to keep the peace has not always been such a good thing. Keeping the peace has gotten me a lot of friends that trust me because they know they can. But on the flip side of that, keeping the peace has often times allowed people to walk all over me and then take credit for work I have done or relationships I am responsible for building and maintaining.
Never been a fan of it. In fact, I don’t like to be around those people that always have to be right, have the last word, especially if the truth is twisted so much that it is very difficult to find it. I am starting to see that is part of their plan. Let’s move everything around so the truth is buried so that Janis loses track and stops looking. It usually works. Patience is also NOT one of my strong suits.
Paying the Piper
I can see more today than I did 132 days ago. Mostly because I am working for it. Even when it hurts or my brain gets jumbled, I keep plugging. People reading this blog, sending me emails, commenting is so helpful – you have no idea, thank you! I am seeing that those I work with are NOT being honest with themselves or me and since I have shown my cards when I began the program are even more willing to pile the blame onto me and I am not sure how it will work out.
C’mon Higher Power, show me the way…please.