I have never doubted the existence of a higher power. Or at least I always wanted to blame Him for all the bad in my world. Now that I am sober for a while I am actually watching things happen that I know I had nothing to do with, I know he is there.
It is no secret that in the last couple of weeks I have been somewhat of a head case. I haven’t been drinking but for me working the steps has really been exhausting mentally. I have uncovered some stuff that I had no idea I had stuffed away and having it jump right out in front of me wasn’t something I wanted to handle without alcohol. I did manage it through a lot of prayer and focusing on meditation. Meditation is something I still don’t know much about but I am trying to do it at least once a day for 10 minutes and praying too. Last week I used both every day just to soothe my head from spinning. I also called my sponsor and went to more meetings than usual. I can only think that is the work of my Higher Power reminding me to put my will in his hands. I know this is what needs to happen but my knee jerk reaction is to try to do it my way even though I know my way has not always worked out all that well!
I know my Higher Power has a plan. I know only He knows what that is. I know I am in the plan but it isn’t my plan nor am I the only thing in the plan. So I am trying to figure out where the point is that I am to live my life and where I am supposed to go along for the ride. Where is the point of Demarkation? I guess I will continue to pray about it.
I felt pretty peaceful yesterday, got some things done for work and for home even though it was a Saturday, when you own your own place it is often you just do the things that come up when they come up and not wait until the work week to do them. Also with everyone I know on Facebook, it being the month of Thanksgiving, people are posting things they are grateful for.
Gratitude is under rated. A simple “Thank You” for people seems nearly impossible. I remember my first AA meetings at the Homeless Shelter, these folks with nothing but a backpack with their belongings were surprisingly polite. It was noticeable to me.
My Gratitude List
Most of the people that I know keeping Gratitude Lists are not like me. And many are listing their Gratitude so others can see it not because they truly are grateful for anything but themselves. Until yesterday, I resisted having my own Gratitude List. My Sponsor never required me to do it though I have heard about them in Meetings. Yesterday, I was listening to an audiobook that once again mentioned them and I took it that my Higher Power was sending me a gentle reminder. Start your list, Janis! So I did. I realized once I started writing things down, I really didn’t know what the hell I was doing. So I went to Google and got some tips 3-5 things per day, pick a time, write the things down every day, not just for the month of November. After a few weeks of doing it, coming up with different things every day, would change my thinking. So I am trying it. All the other things I have changed in the last 5 months, why not do this? At least I am not drinking…(add that to the list!)