People have said to me for years, “You know how to work a room…” or “You can walk right into a room full of strangers and make all kinds of friends.” Boy I am a good liar aren’t I?
I think as it is for most of us, our inside selves are desperately afraid to come out and be discovered. I would rather hurt myself than to let someone else do it to me. So I did and I did it often. When I learned that drinking slowed things down and stopped the hurting it was even better. I wasn’t a person that cut myself or did things that other people could see, so it wasn’t obvious to most people that I was hurting myself but I was. I wasn’t looking for attention. What people saw of me was what I wanted them to see of me. I was a chameleon. I became what others wanted and not necessarily what I wanted, only until JUST THIS MINUTE as I type it, I didn’t realize it. One of the arrogant style “Old Timers” once said to me, “Google: Self Centered Fear.” I still think he is arrogant but he is also right.
My idea of being honest was not outright lying to someone. Not telling someone something that I knew not to be true. When I got in a tight spot I would not answer the question most often saying, “You will have to ask _______, that is their own story and I am not the one to tell it” or something like that. I don’t tell other people’s secrets, I just don’t.
You Don’t Know, What You Don’t Know
Okay all you students of truth and righteous thought may roll over on this one but here it is. I have not known the depth of the meaning of truth as I think I am learning now. I say “Hell Yeah!” to being truthful to people, tell the facts and don’t make sh&t up to either make someone feel bad or make someone feel good. Don’t tell someone you are going somewhere and go somewhere else and had that plan in your mind from the start. Basic. But the chameleon part of me knows inside that I am only one thing. One being.
Is True Honesty Over Rated?
Again roll over on this one. I doubt (and I may be wrong) that there will be a day that I will feel that walking around naked (emotionally) and letting everyone see who I really am isn’t where I am willing to go. I don’t believe that most people deserve to know me or want to know me that way. And yes, I like to manipulate situations so they work for me sometimes. BUT being honest to myself and making sure I preserve my sobriety (Day 140 today, but who’s counting…) in order to protect myself, damn right I may not be totally honest. “Willing to go to any length…” and that is where I am today.