There are a lot of things that have been hidden away inside me for years. I never realized it. I also never realized that my head was crazy or now someone said “wild mind” or “monkey mind.” Now I haven’t been called crazy before and I never really thought that my thoughts were crazy ones.
Been This Way My Whole Life
I didn’t start drinking until I was in my late teens and even then it wasn’t much. I was an athlete and the first few times it was just because everyone else was at the time. The crazy drinking times came much later but there was a significant “numbing” and “stuffing” that happened since I was a child. I am just realizing it now.
I hated math, I hated my math teacher. She called me stupid in front of the whole class more than once. I do not plan on putting her on my 8th step list and making amends at this point any way. She made it clear to me in the 7th grade that I was a misfit. I was exceptional in English as well as many other subjects but my poor aptitude in math brought me down in everything. And I wasn’t an “artist” per se – couldn’t produce something that people could see and tell me that I had talent. I buried all that in my head and developed a personality and learned how to work with people, so I was popular in AA I have heard it as being a “People Pleaser.”
My Mom was relentless in telling us kids to never tease someone that wasn’t “like us.” Always treat people how we wanted to be treated. She showed us values, morals, discipline and of course guilt. Mom was brought up in a Pentecostal environment. So HELL, fire and brimstone was what she understood. My grandfather was not a church goer so the religion came from the “women folk” and we stopped going to church when we were in our teens. But the foundation was there to be guilty for just breathing. Mom was never violent or overly disciplined us. Anyway not making fun of other “misfits” in school or otherwise wasn’t something tolerated in our household. You “made fun” of no one. I learned curiosity about differences and not fear or superiority.
My dreams were in color, I didn’t tell anyone. I knew things were going to happen before they would, I learned that wasn’t something that you talked about at school or the teacher would call home, I really didn’t like that because that would create conflict and I hated that. Still do.
Where It Ended Up
Alcohol dulled my sense of wonder. I forgot to use colors in my decorating, my dreams were still in color but all the hues were trapped in my head. This along with everything else is starting to bubble up and out. There is no anesthesia now. Everything is raw. Sometimes there are tears and I am not sure why. I did cry when I was drinking and I didn’t know why then always either. But then there was a lot of things I didn’t know when I was drinking and when I “came to” and decided not to drink anymore the guilt was unbearable.
And so goes the life of an alcoholic…“One Day At A Time.”