“Jonesin”

This is an expression that I heard once from a friend of mine from a country town not far from mine.  He was referring to wanting to have some pepperoni or some breakfast.  Little did I know then, what it really meant and I wonder if he did.

Days of Wine and Roses

Like Jack Lemmon in the movie I came from the PR world. His drug was alcohol.  I am not a drug addict but I probably could have been.  I am pretty humble when it comes to any other addiction that didn’t happen to me. Alcohol is what got me to the bottom.  I am not schooled in all the big words but in my gut, I think that if you have an addictive personality, your brain wants a rush and it could be anything.  And for me it was alcohol.  Who knows if I would have “graduated” or “traded up” to drugs or death.  I hope to God I don’t try and find out, keeping the AA life in my head and heart is a must.

Jonesin

When I finally made up my mind I could not quit drinking without help I was Jonesin, morning, noon and night.  I would pace my whole day around when I could drink.  I found places where I could drink early, I stashed bottles so I had so many no one (including me) could have found them all.  But I always could find what I needed and Thank God it didn’t kill me or I didn’t kill anybody else.  I was Jonesin for a drink even after I had a couple under my belt.  Until the shakes settled, until my head cleared enough that I could function “normally.”   I always wondered as I approached the bar if anyone else could see the shaking I had going on inside of me.

Now I See It In Others

I still have drinking friends and I like it that way.  Many well most of them just think I have stopped drinking because of medication I am on because of my allergies and I just let them believe that.  Today, I had a friend offer to take me to get my car serviced in the morning and I wouldn’t be surprise if it was because he will want to get out of the house and have a drink.  Tomorrow is a holiday and schools, banks, etc. are closed.  He isn’t working, his wife and kids will be home and getting into that first drink early enough could be more of a challenge. Doing me a favor is perfectly acceptable and a great excuse for having a little “hooch” for breakfast while I drink coffee.

Just a Guess

I cannot say this is exactly why he is doing it and perhaps I should make amends for taking advantage of the situation.  He offered, I accepted and then I got to thinking about it.  I also remember the favors I have done for he and his family and then dismiss my thinking and decide I am being over analytical.  Maybe that is it?  I seem to look at things so differently now that I feel like I analyze everything.  I watch myself like a hawk, realizing how broken I am and wanting to change the way I act and react to situations.  I am not him and my behavior when I was drinking may or may not be the same.  So “Let it Go” and we’ll see.

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