It’s funny when I was drinking, I didn’t realize that everything I did and how I acted was followed by an exclamation point. The more alcohol, everything became CAPITALIZED and in BOLD. The !!! just got bigger and bigger until the only thing that was larger than life was the train wreck I had become.
I am not sure of the origin or why we have poker chips to mark our time in sobriety but we do. The first few months are plastic chips then they turn into some sort of metal-ish chip. Again, I am not sure of why the colors are what they are or why they are poker chips but they become pretty special and the origin doesn’t matter. At the end of our meetings (as I believe with most AA meetings), the chips are held up and announced to the group to mark time in sobriety. Some presenters have their own little funny saying when they hold up the chips. Like one man said when he held up the RED chip for “30 days and a thousand nights” and tho we all laugh it is because we all know how much “One Day At A Time” can mean and stringing 30 together is an accomplishment – especially when it is your first 30 days.
On Saturday, I celebrated my 5 month. I collected my PURPLE chip in front of my home group. It was a small turn out but those close to me in AA, either came to the meeting or sent me a text. My Sponsor came and she chaired the meeting. It made me feel pretty special. I call the Purple Chip the JESTER chip, because for me in the past 5 months and working the steps I can really see some not so attractive things about myself. One of the biggest things that I have always known about myself is that I have a sense of humor about pretty much everything. Sometimes that sense of humor gets turned on it’s head and it cuts like a knife into people. When I was drinking, I don’t believe I always knew it was happening and sometimes (it gets worse…) I did not care. Like I was even happy about it. Pretty disgusting when you think of it. Dumping on someone else because I think they deserved it. And it made me feel better. What a demon I was to do that.
Today, I met with my Sponsor and we were going through my “Amends” List. I cannot even begin to tell you how many people I need to apologize to because of this “pleasant” little flaw of mine. Many of these “zingers” I am not sure I remember but I am sure that will come to me in time. So Janis has some work to do. Hopefully I wont get discouraged and throw in the towel. I appreciate all of you for listening to me tonight. I also appreciate my Sponsor for not making me feel worse than I all ready do. I am really sure this is a “WE” program and with the grace of God, I will become a better person because of it.