Some days I feel really frustrated that my problems are still my problems. Life is still life. But I am finding that all this “honesty” is really putting a crimp in my style. Dysfunction was so much in my life that I had no idea how screwy things were and when I started to feel, out came the old anesthesia bottle and it numbed the feelings, made the feelings seem less intense. And then the haze was welcome but now it is clearing and I cannot live in lies anymore.
I Hate Surprises
I am not too fond of surprises. I didn’t even like my 40th Birthday Party, well once I got drunk it was ok but before that I didn’t like it. Once something gets stewing in my head I don’t really like that either. Because well, that means I have to do “something.” And I am not one to do “nothing” even when it may make sense. Without alcohol I used to put off decisions all the time. It made life easier or it felt like it at the time.
Rose Colored Glasses
Working the steps and having the fog lift, my life has just gotten more complicated than I want it to. Like many of us, patience is not a virtue of mine either. As some of my long sober friends have said, “It’s hard work.” I had no idea what that meant. These days I seem to understand it more and more. I find myself spinning around with little or no resolve. One thing in particular is a relationship thing that I need to change drastically. It happens to be with my business partners. I am not sure how long I can go along with the charade that I was going along with before I got sober. And as soon as I had a couple meetings under my belt I talked to them. I thought I would get support or at least understanding.
I Just Cannot Live This Lie Anymore
If I only won the lottery I would walk away right this minute. Since I am an owner I am pretty invested but to “sell out” my interest isn’t an option. The value is negligible. I have little or no savings I have invested for the long haul but the haul is over and I need to get away from this. Last night I was awake spinning my wheels and I know it was because it was Sunday night and today is Monday. I am looking only at myself and what part I have in it. But I also am one person. The two others have chosen to distant themselves from our company and our employees as well as from me. Missing staff meetings, being late for staff meetings for one excuse or another. Meanwhile I sit there and stew. I don’t know what my next step is, I just know where I am standing right now and the only thing that is good about it is, I don’t have a drink in my hand.