In the past I did lots of flying. Many times I was on the road for work 2 – 3 weeks a month. I heard the flight attendants say the speech about the emergency exits, the tray table in the upright and locked position and putting the oxygen mask on yourself before someone else and this reminds me of what I have done.
These past few days, I have noticed my creativity has been banging on my skull to get out. I never realized that all the booze numbed that along with all my bad feelings. Creativity was not something I ever thought I possessed, I do not draw, I do not paint. But as I have gotten older I know I am a right brained thinker. And being right brained isn’t easy. I am the odd one. The one who’s brain spins while every one else is talking. When I speak it is from the heart, it is about feelings left brainers get uncomfortable, creatives daydream to cope. So guess who is a big daydreamer?
Tonight even as I type, the music that is playing on Pandora is reminding me of an old friend. An old friend that I miss. When I first stopped drinking, he was uncomfortable with it. We distanced. This week is his birthday week and I haven’t seen him or called him. He has tons of friends, I am sure he isn’t alone unless he is isolating or is having trouble with his diverticulitis. That is kind of a code word for being on a bender that now he is 50 it takes more time to come out of. He wont completely stop drinking, he will lie around and pour some cheap box wine down to stop the shakes, level off. I know, I have done it with him. I have laid in the bed next to him or on the couch just feeling sh*tty. Then dragging myself home to feel sh*tty there. I miss him and in a very insane way I miss those times. I have no idea why.
On a plane the masks drop out of the luggage compartments when you need to use them. It is a scary experience when they fall in front of you, shocking because you are surprised to see them but scary because you know you are in danger. AND you must attend to yourself BEFORE you attend to anyone else, including your child. You cannot help anyone if you are the one in crisis, right? So put your mask on first.
Keep Me Company, Will Ya?
I put my mask on. I am okay, breathing and not drinking. So I am meditating more, called my sponsor and writing to you all. Tomorrow I will double up on meetings probably but maybe it will pass. I am going to work on my Gratitude List. But this blog is here and I am thankful for that. Thankful that I can express myself in words when others don’t have that gift. Thanks for reading, “One Day At A Time.”