Sometimes I swear that if someone were to look inside my head all they would see is scrambled eggs. Yes I am living my life “One Day At A Time” and I am not drinking. Today I got up, it is Monday and I swear my head is floating up above me like a balloon, I need to keep hanging onto the string.
I Thought I Could be Normal
A couple months ago, I felt like life was floating along like a gentle stream and I was a leaf floating along in it. No big blow-ups. no drama, no drinking or drugs. This went on for quite a while. I was going to meetings, working, living life. I was so relieved that I didn’t have to stress out knowing where I may have hidden my bottle or how I was going to get into it without anyone looking. I have so many situations where I am in tight quarters that it was getting harder and harder to get “my licks in.” That stress is gone. Trying to get on the road to see a client without shaking to death before or while I was there, that stress is gone. Finding bars open early enough in the day that were “under the radar” to satisfy my habit, that stress is gone. So why today I am a nervous wreck?
I Got Up Late
This morning the bed was warm and in New England it was dark, setting up for a dreary day. My meeting is at 7:30am and I dragged myself to it, the reading was good but my thoughts were scattered all over the map. I got home and my dog had thrown up. I cleaned up, went to my office (which is in my house) and couldn’t get inspired to do anything even though there is a list of things I need to do. A couple hours of staring at the screen and doing some menial tasks my dog threw up again. This time I was pretty nervous, he seemed to be having trouble, I took him out and walked around with him. Shortly, we came back inside. Things weren’t right. I decided to call the vet, my heart was racing and I was really nervous. Probably the last time I took the dog to the vet I was “comfortably numb” actually I am sure I was, I was anxious then because I didn’t want to be caught! And the last time it was for shots for the dogs- no sickness. When I called the vet’s office they were nice and accommodating, said they could sneak me in an hour or so. My heart was racing and I was inches from tears.
I Gotta Get Real
I turned my music over to something more “zenny” meditated for about 15 minutes to try and get my heart to pump inside my chest. Yes my dog was sick but right now he wasn’t yacking up everywhere, he was calm. I put the kennel in my car. It was snowing, so I was a little concerned with the roads and wanted to leave earlier than usual. But I was trembling. I love my animals so much. My boyfriend seemed pretty relaxed about the whole thing but I couldn’t get past it. He didn’t even go with me. I prayed in the parking lot before I went in, cited aloud how grateful I was that the vet could see me and that I had money to pay for it.
Wait and Watch
My dog was happy to see the vet – even tried to hump his leg a few times. He jumped onto the exam table and was just his silly old self. After poking and prodding, I went home with a 6 pack of expensive food and a “let’s wait and see” diagnosis. My dog was acting fine, didn’t have any more throwing up episodes since. My vet knows me well enough that I don’t just haul my dog up there for nothing. He took extra time to visit and to assure me that all the things he checked for blockage, obstruction, inflammation didn’t seem to be present. From what he could gather it is an old hunting dog proverb, what they don’t roll in, they eat.
I AM Grateful
Right now I am so grateful that my dog seems to be OK. I am grateful that the vet could get me in and it didn’t cost me a fortune. My heart is still in my throat. Since I got home I have done nothing. I tried to settle down and work but couldn’t. I am also thankful for this BLOG! And thankful I can write out my feelings and read back over the entry and see what is happening with me.
One Week Away
I am one week away from having 6 months. I feel like I have come a long way and I have done a lot of work. My days now are completely different than they were 6 months ago. I guess I should accept progress over perfection. But it is hard. Thanks for being on this roller coaster with me.