I am learning that one of my traits (or character defects) is being a “Peacemaker.” While that may not seem so bad, I was very good at apologizing to others for things I had nothing to do with or taking things to heart that weren’t mine in the first place. All to keep the peace. It worked in the short term. In the meantime, I was creating wreckage for myself. Then of course, when I was drinking, I would take the blame so people had no idea I was drinking or how much I was drinking.
I have a tendency to plan my life around others. Then get pissed at them because of it.
They were late, they were early, something came up at the last minute and they couldn’t be there at all. Meanwhile, I had changed my whole life around to make my end of the bargain, what was wrong with them? This mushroomed. I am waiting with my cell phone in my hand, waiting for the text, while the rest of my life went on around me, only I was not there, I was too busy waiting for the “next best thing” and not being present in where or who I was with at that moment. Mostly I was pissed because the people I was waiting for were supposed to distract me from ME! When I was actively drinking, I was “Jones’n” for a drink and my drinking buddies were doing something else and taking me away from my bottle!! Then when I gave up on them and went to the bar alone, I had to explain why they weren’t there! (I know, it is pretty crazy, but that is how I felt.)
Taking Inventory Comes In All Shapes and Sizes
I have an AA friend that needed some help. She asked, I picked her up several times for meetings, her car was in the shop, not inspected, etc. She also had this situation with this guy that is in the program that she wants to be with. She is less than 3 months sober. She stares down at her phone hoping he will answer her text, call her, whatever. Maybe she can get a ride to a meeting with him instead? This is distracting her from her single point of purpose to stay sober.
Who’s business is it?
Hers. After building up a resentment about the fact that “ole faithful” – me, would pick her up when she would text me at the last minute, she would be looking down at the phone the whole time we were going to the meeting hoping this guy would appear. Or talking about it. She wasn’t talking about what I wanted to talk about. She wasn’t fitting into MY PROGRAM. I am writing this out as a confession to you guys and now that my thoughts are out and I can re read them I can really see how twisted my thinking is. How I can allow it to get. Wasn’t I getting a dose of my own medicine? Wasn’t I just seeing how I can be through watching someone else? (Clears throat: Thank you Higher Power for putting this in front of me.)