Being brought up in a religious, fundamental style home, I certainly was God Fearing. In fact, I would sit in the back seat of Mom’s car after church, hoping I died on the way home. I felt that only then, I was pure enough to go to heaven. The rest of the week, I was a sinner and doomed.
A Power Greater Than Myself
I had no problem coming to grips with that concept. Giving my will over is not easy for me. From what others say in the program, it is difficult for them too. As I attend meetings (hit 2 yesterday and 2 again today), this surrender process is just that a “process.” So many times I know, I just know that something has happened, someone has called me or I have seen someone that has impacted my day or more so, my life. It is not my doing whatsoever, it is certainly that of my Higher Power. And I certainly have done my best to blame God. When my two best friends in High School were killed on the way home from a dentist appointment, I blamed God. I am sure that there are times that everyone does.
As I worked through Steps 4 and 5, my list of character defects was long. It was a horrible process. I felt worse and worse with every aspect of my character I admitted I hated about myself. And while my sponsor was supportive and helpful, I felt tremendous guilt that I had become such a monster. As Step 5 work began, it was a relief to turn it over, to say, “HERE! I did it, now please take it.” But it doesn’t go away. Steps 6 and 7 are reminders that we need to give it up. While I was in the pit of it, I felt some relief. As part of living, I get on my knees and pray about it, ask for help and be thankful, but 50 years of living the way I lived, doesn’t fix itself in 7 1/2 months.
Is HP My “HandyMan?”
If you are my age you remember the song, “Handyman” by James Taylor. “….I’m not the kind that use the pencil or rule…” that one. This song is about someone with a broken heart and I have one. I broke it myself. And I am hard to convince (stubborn) to trust again. Trust myself much less to trust God!
Work In Progress
I used to say, “I have Trust Issues.” I do. Like many of us, people I needed and depended on have let me down, hurt me, broken my heart. It started when I was too young to be able to do anything about it, thus, I had never learned how to trust. As I got older, I learned I could only trust myself and then when I drank, I gave that away to alcohol. So here I am, learning the ABC’s all over again.
First Things First
I need to trust again, myself and my Higher Power. Then continue to turn my will over, not “One Day At A Time,” one minute at a time, just like the day I stopped drinking.