It is winter here in the North East and we have had a crazy winter. Maybe it is crazy because I have been sober through all the holidays and all the snow and ice storms? Under “normal” circumstances or let’s put it like this, “Over the past 20 years…” holidays and snowstorms meant “Party Time!” Stock up for the guests to come over for some Holiday “Cheer” and stock up again for being stranded some place! God knows we cannot run out of provisions! (Beer, vodka, mix and maybe some weed?)
The Party Is Over
Not very long ago, these were all happy times and most of it under control. But in the last few years something changed. I have mentioned it in this blog before and I remain in the idea that I didn’t initially drink to punish myself. It was fun. We had great times. When things got sad, we comforted each other and yes alcohol was involved but somewhere along the way and I am not sure when, alcohol separated me from my friends, from life. It wanted me all to itself so it could kill me.
It went from drinking to celebrate to drinking to exist. Now I am still searching for how to live.
We say in AA, “Life on Life’s Terms.” And from one day to another that can mean something different. When I drank to exist, my drama or anyone else’s was a daily event. Last week, I went through 4 or 5 days of uncovering a sleeping giant and got bit pretty hard, I blogged about it. That was real stuff, shoved way back in the closet and doing my Step work brought it to light. As I dealt with the confusion and intense sadness my “new way” was with meetings, meditation, prayer instead of drugs and alcohol. I cannot even believe I am saying that. I cried a lot too. But I didn’t drink then and I didn’t drink today. Thank God.
At the end of last week we were waiting for some biopsy news at my house. The doctor’s didn’t bother to call us because it wasn’t cancerous (only they didn’t tell us that!) they were determining the coarse of action. Friday the news came, “No cancer,” Friday night I started getting sick and by Saturday afternoon I was having the full blown virus “cold” that everyone else had about a month ago! Amazing how life works. Now that the dust has settled somewhat, I can spend sometime in bed. Which I did on Saturday afternoon/night, most of Sunday and now, Monday afternoon I am going to sneak a nap, because if I DON’T I will never feel better!