8 Months ago today, I was sitting on my couch feeling terrible. Sweating, shaking, my stomach was burning and I was desperately trying to hold it together so no one would know that I was an alcoholic. I would not admit I was an alcoholic. I didn’t want to believe that I was but I was afraid of what I was and had become. One way or another inside my heart and my head I was dying and I knew it. I just wasn’t sure that these feelings were those of an alcoholic.
We had some beautiful weather here this summer. Before I quit drinking I couldn’t tell you much about it. I don’t remember Memorial Day very well, except it was becoming increasingly inconvenient to “stash” my bottles. Especially in our camp that was small and everyone was in close quarters. Not much went on that everybody didn’t see. Memorial Day was when we opened up the camp and I always did the cleaning and last year was no different. I would call myself high functioning. Most people had no idea (and still don’t) the degree of the lie I was living. My focus was on wondering where exactly I was going to keep my stash in order to:
- “Infuse” it into whatever beverage was carrying around that appeared non-alcoholic
- Get more and what excuse would I be able to come up with in order to leave and buy more?
- How was I to get enough “booze” on board (me) not to shake or to not go over board?
A couple more trips to camp happened after Memorial Day and I managed to be able to “not get caught.” People noticed that I looked “stressed out” or seemed “preoccupied” but nobody caught me red handed drinking at an odd time or rifling through an odd place looking for my secret potion. Thank God for that!
Last night we had a snowstorm. Last week we had a snowstorm and we are supposed to have another tomorrow night. I am looking outside my window watching the wind whip the snow across the field. I am not sweating, shaking or anything else peculiar. I am living. I have a bunch of stress that I am dealing with, I have some big decisions to make about my life in the next few months. Decisions that would have been made for me and not by me if I had still been drinking. I am trying to let my Higher Power lead me and not try to jam things into place the way I used to.
I got a new chip today and with all your help and God’s (as I understand him) I will live that life.