If Nothing Changes, Nothing Changes

Well  Wordpress told me the other day I have been working on this blog for over a year now.  I have not been sober over a year.  I started the blog, was “controlling my drinking.”  I was pretty sure I was not an alcoholic.  I knew I drank a lot but I honestly didn’t know what an alcoholic was, I had an idea it was someone that wasn’t me.

SURPRISE!

Then along came June 20, 2013…Rather than to rehash what I have said many times in this blog, I had to do something.  Because of a conversation with an old friend from a year before that, I figured I would try AA.  I went to several meetings in the first few days, mostly hoping that I would hear something that would tell me I wasn’t an alcoholic.  The more meetings I attended, the more I knew I was.  Didn’t make me happy at all.  But there was some HOPE in knowing there was a way out of the black hole I had been in, even though it seemed easier to swallow the vodka than to swallow the truth of being an alcoholic.

It Ain’t Easy

I have to say my life is completely different than it was just 9 months ago.  I realize more things about myself and many of them I don’t like at all.  Some times I feel strong in dealing with them while other times I feel incredibly weak.  My weekly routine includes daily meetings,  prayer & meditation, yoga, exercise and plenty of sleep.  These things I did not have before.  I still work and interact with people, that part hasn’t changed.  I am more aware of wanting to make some more changes in my life than ever or do I just accept things?  That I am not sure about.  People have told me not to make big changes for a year.  When I stopped drinking I may have been referred to as a “High Functioning” alcoholic.  That doesn’t mean I wasn’t screwed up and didn’t do things the way an alcoholic would do them.  In my case it meant I had a job, I had not been arrested (yet), I had clients, I had a home to live in.  I owe it all to my Higher Power to get me to listen before I had lost it all.

Are you there “God?”

Today is one of those days.  It is one where I am twisted up in thought.  I have had a cold for 3 weeks, I am sick of winter, sick of people lying to me, sick and tired of being sick and tired.  So God as I understand you, help me ease my monkey mind. I help me make it another day without drinking.

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3 thoughts on “If Nothing Changes, Nothing Changes

  1. You have come so far and should be very proud. It’s normal to have rough days. I’ve been told that once you surrender and ask God (as you deem him to be) for help, you find peace. I hope he helped you.

  2. Hi, congrats on 9 months! Woot woot! That is awesone. It sounds like you are doing alot to change your life and stay sober, which is not easy and sometimes it is a daily struggle. Hang on here. This too shall pass! Hugs.

  3. Well Happy 9months Janis!
    And *Congrats* on a year blogging! I know, it’s been awhile since my last visit, but your always in my HEART! Recovery Sisters of sorts? Keep On Keeping On my friend! I’ve been busy finishing my 2nd & 3rd books, so been writing my buns off. 🙂
    Hugs & Blessings,
    *Catherine Lyon* XO 🙂

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