Well Wordpress told me the other day I have been working on this blog for over a year now. I have not been sober over a year. I started the blog, was “controlling my drinking.” I was pretty sure I was not an alcoholic. I knew I drank a lot but I honestly didn’t know what an alcoholic was, I had an idea it was someone that wasn’t me.
Then along came June 20, 2013…Rather than to rehash what I have said many times in this blog, I had to do something. Because of a conversation with an old friend from a year before that, I figured I would try AA. I went to several meetings in the first few days, mostly hoping that I would hear something that would tell me I wasn’t an alcoholic. The more meetings I attended, the more I knew I was. Didn’t make me happy at all. But there was some HOPE in knowing there was a way out of the black hole I had been in, even though it seemed easier to swallow the vodka than to swallow the truth of being an alcoholic.
It Ain’t Easy
I have to say my life is completely different than it was just 9 months ago. I realize more things about myself and many of them I don’t like at all. Some times I feel strong in dealing with them while other times I feel incredibly weak. My weekly routine includes daily meetings, prayer & meditation, yoga, exercise and plenty of sleep. These things I did not have before. I still work and interact with people, that part hasn’t changed. I am more aware of wanting to make some more changes in my life than ever or do I just accept things? That I am not sure about. People have told me not to make big changes for a year. When I stopped drinking I may have been referred to as a “High Functioning” alcoholic. That doesn’t mean I wasn’t screwed up and didn’t do things the way an alcoholic would do them. In my case it meant I had a job, I had not been arrested (yet), I had clients, I had a home to live in. I owe it all to my Higher Power to get me to listen before I had lost it all.
Are you there “God?”
Today is one of those days. It is one where I am twisted up in thought. I have had a cold for 3 weeks, I am sick of winter, sick of people lying to me, sick and tired of being sick and tired. So God as I understand you, help me ease my monkey mind. I help me make it another day without drinking.