Around here some of the Old Timers are ROCK solid on things. It is possible that they are right in their beliefs, recovery being different for everybody, for me, the “black and white” “AA Literature Only” individual would not be the best fit for my recovery. I heard one of the “Traditionalist” mention that the Hazelden series of literature wasn’t real AA and that it was wrong to read it. Well personally, remarks like that make me want to read it all the more. Defiant alcoholic that I am.
What It Was LIke
As I have mentioned numerous times here, a friend came up to see me to make amends just about 2 years ago. (Actually 2 years in May.) BUT it took me another year to realize where I was in alcoholism and to do something about it. In that year that I was doing “research” controlled drinking, whatever you want to call it, I bought the Big Book and the 24 Hour Book. I bought them and downloaded them onto my Kindle and tried reading them. On the Kindle, it is easy because no one sees what you are reading. I would get on the exercise bike at the gym and read. Like everything and since I didn’t start EXACTLY on January 1 like the book does, I decided to read up until the date I started reading, which I think was some day in late February. I really didn’t get it, all the references I didn’t understand and there was just too much “God” in there. I was pretty sure this was a ploy by religious freaks to prey on alcoholics. The whole thing completely missed me, I wasn’t ready.
What a Difference A Year Makes
Now, I read the 24 Hour Book pretty regularly, I do mostly read it on the DATE it shows and I read it on my Kindle, just like before only COMPLETELY different. I cannot believe how my life has changed since then, mind you, I am still struggling, trying to make the puzzle fit together. Some days I can do it easily and I feel good. Some days I feel like my head is a bowl of cooked spaghetti.
I am also reading other books. When I was drinking I didn’t like to read at all, I read at the gym, which was pretty much the only time I read. Unless it was work stuff. I hate working out still and have taken somewhat of a hiatus, I have to get back to it. Recovery is a workout, meetings is a commitment. I hate working out and at the present, I have swapped yoga and meditation for that – for now. I am easily overwhelmed and I am so protective of my sobriety, I cannot overload myself and expect positive results. I don’t believe this is a cop out, I believe it is the realization that it took years to break myself in to tiny pieces and I cannot expect to glue it together in 10 months.
So here we are, “Another Day In Paradise.” And without a drink, it surely is.