Patience or Procrastination

“The Good Thing About Procrastination is I Always Have Something to do Tomorrow.”

I have spent most of my life making snap decisions, decisions on the fly, as my alcoholism progressed my decisions were made in haste, because of impatience and emotion and because I did not realize that what I was doing was operating with limited information and lots of booze.  I did not see the correlation.  Since I GOT sober, I have become pretty cautious in a lot of ways, like decision making.   I have found that once a few more facts have come to light the decision I may have made immediately would have been different than the one I made when I had the information. Sometimes VASTLY different.

Where is the Line between Patience and Procrastination?

When I was drinking everything seemed to be EVERYONE else’s fault.  Any problem I had with a relationship was not my doing it was always about THEM and what THEY did.  Right after I stopped drinking I put the brakes on. Someone had said in a meeting that they had to look at what “their part” was in any situation.  My sponsor said, “Don’t make any huge decisions for the first year, unless you are in danger or really have thought it through.”  So I took it to heart.  It was easy to understand.  My emotions were on my sleeve, hell I cried at the drop of a hat and my anxiety was off the charts. For a girl who spent most of her life driving in snowstorms – this past winter was a killer.  I didn’t dare drive some days.  I was reminded that I was going through something big in my life and I needed to take care of myself.  I reminded myself that I spent years not trusting myself and I needed to build that back up and not expect it all RIGHT NOW.

The 3rd Step

I SAY that I am turning my will over to God as I understand him and yet I find I have pulled it back. Then I wonder why I am struggling.  I want things to happen but I want them to happen quicker than they are.  I am in unhealthy relationships, not dangerous ones, but ones that do me no service and therefore I am not able to do them any service either.  So I am writing in this blog JUST BECAUSE this is part of my process. I have realized and verbalized this in meetings, spoken to my sponsor and yet I am very uneasy.  I don’t want to drink.  I want to live happy, joyous and free.

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