Today I am asking myself, “What is the difference between procrastination and practicing the Third Step?”
When I was drinking I made a lot of snap decisions. Many of those I am still living with today. Some of them have worked out ok and some of them, out of obligation I stick with not knowing what “the next right thing” may be. When it involves other people I have a hard time letting go.
Last weekend someone I know, (that is not in the program and I am not all that close to) , had a book signing party. I got an invite through Facebook and decided, “Why not? Let’s do something different.” So I went. It was at a bar, but there were plenty of people drinking coffee and by no means did I feel pressure to drink
I told her I would go. It was hardly a mob scene. I am glad I went for a lot of reasons. Since I started this recovery process I have been pretty strict on myself when it comes to “showing up” to places that I had committed to going. While I was out drinking, especially near the end, sometimes I was unable to go to things or I refused to commit to things because I didn’t trust myself.
Even tho I didn’t know the author well, I went and I could have just blown it off and probably no one (but me), would have noticed. But I felt like I was supposed to be there.
To say that my whole persona has changed since the 866 days that I started this “adventure in recovery” would be an understatement. I am finding lots of joy in doing things I did before booze put me and my life in the headlock. I started writing this blog because I felt like I needed to do something with the thoughts in my head that I needed to sort out. And there seems to be some magic that happens while I am pouring my thoughts out on paper.
As you can see by the dates of the blog, I have shown little commitment to writing for the art of it and for the practice that it gives me, much less pure discipline. In the meantime, I write all kinds of content for OTHER people and yet none for myself. My company benefits from it, but I don’t. Why don’t I trust myself to be a writer?
Third Step Prayer
I am and have been “handing it over” daily for many months. But I have a hard time knowing if my Higher Power is directing me or if I am manipulating things in some way. Am I doing something because that is what I want and not what my HP wants? How do I know? I haven’t ever been a bolt of lightning sort of person, but I am not sure that I know the difference between procrastination and trusting in m Higher Power.
Anyone else out there feel that way?