Being an alcoholic is about all I know that I am these days. And I am grateful to know that because it gives me choices today that I did not have 2 1/2 years ago. While that being said, I find a lot of ME missing. I mean WHO AM I?
Once I stopped drinking, reinvention was more like reconstruction. The way my disease worked was not so much lashing out or fighting, (though in the end, it was starting to progress to that), it was years of beating on myself. Pulling myself apart piece by piece.
It certainly takes “two to tango. ” And “Yes” I have made amends to my ex-husband. Since alcoholism is such a puzzle to me, I am not sure when my thinking took that “Left turn” or in Maine where I am from a “HAHD LEFT” would be more like it, but whenever that was, things took on a new meaning and a whole new life of their own. My husband and I split when I was 38. To this day, I am not sure exactly why our marriage failed. What I do know is the failure of my marriage accelerated my drinking. For the next 10 years, drinking was all I could do to ease the aches within my heart and head. And of course, once the drinking ended, my troubles were still there, only worse.
Now a life without the Booze makes me look at everything in a different way. And that is not always a good thing. Going to meetings helps me a lot. But still I have no self-confidence. If you had ever met me you may not believe that. On the outside, people tell me they cannot understand why I lack confidence in myself. I seem so “put together.” Meanwhile on the inside, I am just a scared child- full, full, full of fear.
My alcoholism is not something I have ever wanted as “dinner conversation.” It is likely that most people have no idea that I am an alcoholic. I was so lucky my “end of drinking” didn’t come as a driving incident – DUI or a hospital stay, there was no public display for anyone to see. People have noticed changes about me – I am calmer, more focused.
I am feeling more comfortable in my skin these days, albeit about 60 pounds more than I would like it to be. I can commit to something, show up and be part of something. I just wish I knew what that something is supposed to be.