Chaos Meter

Chaos.  Oh, how I love thee!  Or at least I USED to love thee!  My therapist told me one time, to watch when I had space in my schedule.  To recognize it as SPACE and not to overbook myself.  I said to her, “OVERBOOK” is my middle name!  Just “being” is hard for me.  I stack up things to do, (mostly places to be), when I see an empty spot and assign unreal deadlines.

Or at the very least unnecessary ones.  The only person that is making a big deal out of this is ME!

I have managed to ditch most of my chaotic relationships since most of those were people I drank with. Back in the day, I would refer to them as to my “lunch dates.”  When I stopped drinking that sprint to the pub for lunch seemed unnecessary for me and uncomfortable for them. Almost as if there was a fear that my sobriety was contagious or something.  Sure I still see some of them, but it isn’t the same.  I AM NOT THE SAME.

Culling the Flock

Little by little the dynamics of my relationships changed.  It is no mistake that my new relationships are FUEL for me and the NEW person I am.  (Even tho I am not exactly sure who that is…)  Little by little I see myself being unavailable to the drama in others lives.  Just like I am able to smell alcohol on someone from 50 yards now, I see drama.

Butterfly

And like a butterfly, I am changing.  Some parts are not pretty at all.  Some parts are just sad.  I have a more than a decade old relationship with someone that needs to come to an end and I am sad about it.  What I was willing to accept from them and they from me just doesn’t work anymore.  I changed, They haven’t.

Guilty As Charged

I did the Steps, I try every day to LIVE the Steps.  I am NOT perfect.  But because I have done this, I work out with myself and my Higher Power every day.  He guides me through my daily life and my decisions.  Things that were how I did things then, things that were acceptable, now are no longer the case.  I no longer want to mistreat people or mistreat myself.  I now know the difference.

I think that is what in the Serenity Prayer is called WISDOM.

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One thought on “Chaos Meter

  1. Pingback: When I Change the Rules | iwanttotakemylifeback

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