I have mentioned in this blog before, about the changes that have happened in me that are affecting my life today. It is because of these changes that are very obvious to me, what I had found acceptable when I was drinking may no longer be. Over the past 2 1/2 years the way my thinking has changed is remarkable. This first post is from February 2013 and yet my first meeting wasn’t until June 20, 2013 – 4 months later. And I had known well before February that I was beyond the point of “no return.”
My Side of The Street
When I first got sober, I kept hearing this expression, “I need to keep my side of the street clean,” “It’s not my business what you think of me.” What this meant to me, was to work on myself. Learn to do the right thing without regard for what others are doing. Keep my head down and focus on my recovery and be aware that others in and out of recovery have their own goals and their own way of doing things but they don’t have to be mine.
There is an oldtimer in our area that talks often about how bad alcoholics can be with relationships. Some of us abuse others and some of us take the abuse over and over again the cycle is hard to change. We have problems understanding healthy relationships-how to have them or how to be in them. When I first heard this, I wasn’t happy about it, I thought he was over dramatizing his own situation. I thought I had tried hard to be a good friend, a good partner and good relative. But as I have grown in recovery, I realize the very reason I was unhappy with what he was saying, was really my own poor choices and behaviors in relationships that caused my discontent. Still does cause my discontent.
Doing the Footwork and Calling on My Higher Power
I have been slowly surrounding myself with people in the program, people that are positive and with people that are creative like myself. But there still is a significant portion of my life that is like a cancerous sore that needs to be dealt with and I am trying NOT to do what I have done in the past, stomp my feet and storm out the door. So I hand it over and it is really hard. Really hard. This cancer that I am talking about shows me daily what I am not willing to be anymore. I am not willing to take people for granted, I am not willing to be ungrateful, I am not willing to be dishonest.
I was all those things before I started this journey and today I choose to be aware and choose differently. But Higher Power if you are out there, I hope you are listening/reading.