Sunday nights meant Monday mornings. In the old days, it was about pulling it together to go to work Monday mornings. It was only a few times I didn’t, I managed to function even at the end of my drinking days.
Same Ole Story
Now I am sober and as I have mentioned previously, I have not changed my job situation. One reason, I am an owner in the company. When I got sober I took my partners to lunch and apologized, explained that I was getting help. They were as supportive as they knew how to be but since that conversation about 2 1/2 years ago, lots have changed. One thing is, ME.
Being in recovery, I recognize things I never used to notice. We are business partners and not close friends. We never have been. We don’t and never have done anything socially. I honestly don’t think they are capable of having real friends. Neither of them do to this day. And of course, when I started going to AA and learning more and more about REAL relationships, the more the “notsoreal” relationships faded from my life. This is the remaining relationship that I am in because I made a commitment that I am trying to live by.
One partner put his house on the market and has moved his family about 400 miles away. At the time, we were told that it was a temporary thing, there were some elder care issues. Once the FOR SALE sign goes up it seems less than temporary. The sign was up before I knew. The idea was perhaps growing the business. To this date, a year and a half later the business is not coming in. He only criticizes this area and repeats statements that he believes we are backward here. Then the other one has become a Department Head at a local university and is dividing his time significantly – he lives more than an hour away and recently complained that he is working 80 hours a week. The 80 hours is not for our company. I have a hard time feeling compassionate when it is his choice to put his commitment with our company on the back burner and we are supposed to move all our schedules around to accommodate these two men, for meetings, calls, etc.
I don’t know how many times I have recited the Third Step Prayer in the parking lot before I have gone into my office. I manage to get through the days but again, here I am on a Sunday night feeling major anxiety. They treat me like shit, they treat our employees like shit unless they want something. I have told both of them things are not acceptable but since I “outed” myself as an alcoholic they have distanced themselves even further than before. I am tired to talking to brick walls.
I know my HP won’t give me anything more than I can handle, but it is hard to reach down and believe that it is all going to work out the way it is supposed to.