I heard one day in our Sunday 12 and 12 Meeting that a person feels like his instincts or gut feelings were his Higher Power’s way of guiding him. “Thomas” mentioned that his gut instinct itself was his Higher Power expressing Himself through him. Just like he believed that his Higher Power expressed Himself through others in the words they say Those words he hears and really “tunes into” at a meeting. “Thomas”often says things that I feel like my Higher Power is expressing Himself thru him to me.
“Thomas” used to be a tough person for me to listen to, his words cut into me sometimes. Now that early sobriety has worn off, I realize that his words effect me because they matter. It has taken a while to get there.
There are “normal” people in my life. Or at least people that are normal drinkers that can drink one or two glasses of wine once in a while and not need to drink the entire bottle and then open another bottle and drink, it. Those are the people that leave a half a glass on the counter and dump it after the evening is over because they have had enough. I used to resent those people, I wondered why they bothered to drink just to waste it?
My writing partner is a smart, funny and very kind person-normal. I have known her for a few years. We aren’t super close friends, but I really like her. But she doesn’t know me, I have never told her that I am an alcoholic and in recovery. She has shared with me some painful things and is writing a book of essays about a confusing and emotional topic for her graduate work. This is the work she shares with me. She also has shared with me some great tools on writing and I have learned a lot from her.
I have been sharing my writing with her too, but I write about a bunch of different topics. None of it recovery based. We are meeting on Saturday. I have been thinking about her for the past couple weeks. Feeling like I need to break my anonymity. Like I am not being honest. As I have mentioned in this blog before, my drinking was most often done in isolation or with very select few in private places. The community I live in, has no idea that I am in Recovery. And I kinda like it that way. But here I am at 1:20 in the morning- I have been up since 12:30 thinking it is time I tell her.
That Little Voice
Like “Thomas” that I mentioned earlier, I believe that my Higher Power is with me and has never left me. Even though in the dark days of my drinking, I certainly had left Him. My Higher Power is that little voice that speaks to me throughout my day but becomes more persistent when I ignore it. I have been ignoring this voice especially, when it has come to writing. The idea of “being a writer” seems glamorous but when I want to be a real writer it takes commitment. Putting it out there for people to read and the danger of them rejecting it. There is that F word. FEAR. I hate rejection. But writing has always come naturally to me. I can and do write for others. I can tell their story but resist telling my own.
Sharing Experience, Strength and Hope
Since this program of recovery is about passing on the message, helping the next struggling alcoholic (we even have Step 12 specifically for this), I feel like writing a book about Recovery is what I must do. Every day that passes I feel my instinct telling me this is what I must do. For no good reason, I started this blog even before I went to my first meeting and before I dared to even think about Recovery.
I have shared with my Recovery friends in our community about this book. I have a couple friends helping me and giving me some very helpful feedback. I plan to give proceeds to our Recovery programs here – again I feel like it is something I must do. But my normal writing friend knows nothing of this book and I feel like I need to tell her, I think she will be a great Editor. Someone outside of Recovery that can help look at this book with no strings attached. But there is the F word – again.
Is this My Will or God’s Will?