When I was drinking I always waiting for the sky to fall. And most times, it did. When I have looked back at my drinking career, I tried to really understand what role I played when drinking. When the party was on, so was I. I had a few blackouts, yes. BUT most of the time I was the person that kept my wits about me to a degree.I would grab my friend that was on the pool table or fighting with her boyfriend and get us out of trouble.
I Had My Rules
- When I went home with someone or someone came home with me, I was traveling alone.
- If there was dancing, no dipping
- And NO shots.
I often traveled alone. Once my marriage broke up, my broken heart seemed to need alcohol, needed the soothing of alcohol, the forgetting of alcohol. I couldn’t fix my feelings without it. I never realized that I had married a guy that I wanted to fix either. When he abandoned me for another woman, I couldn’t live peacefully without numbing myself to live on without him.
On The Outside
People would see someone smiling, laughing, someone that was fun to be around. But things weren’t like that on the inside. As the years rolled on and I turned into a daily drinker just to keep my head on my shoulders, there was no party. There was no laughing or smiling. There was the whimpering of the broken heart I could never get beyond. My decisions laid over the top of this volcano of smoldering emotion that only knew extremes. And before I did “The Steps,” I never knew that this abandonment thing was something rooted in my ex husband’s childhood, my childhood and my father’s childhood. It was a pattern and I never stopped long enough to see it. To accept it.
I was just like Henny Penny, waiting for the sky to fall because an acorn hit her head. Even when nothing at all was happening, it would feel like something was about to cause my my world to cave in. Abandonment is a hard thing to sort through, especially when you have no idea that it is there. In my case, I married a guy that had abandonment issues, similar to those of my father. I never figured it out until I did The Steps and I learned.