110 % is a Tough Number

I am a “pedal to the medal” type of person.  When I “sign up” for something, I am all in.  No 110%Then a short time down the road I realize I am unable to do 110%, I get frustrated, blame myself for being a failure and take my RESERVED seat on the “Pity Pot.”  I cannot speak for other alcoholics and addicts but for myself, this is definitely the case.

Singleness of Purpose

When I came into the Halls of Alcoholics Anonymous, I was beaten.  Beaten down by myself, by my disease. Unlike many, I had not arrived at my first meeting after a hospital stay or fresh from prison.  My first couple meetings (which were at a Homeless Shelter), I questioned that perhaps I wasn’t an alcoholic and I don’t mind saying that scared me more than thinking I WAS!  For the first time in my life, I was in a room full of people where I felt I belonged.  We all came from different backgrounds but we had one mission.  NOT TO DRINK.  We all had a “Desire to stop drinking.”  That was all that mattered.

Doing Things Differently

During early recovery, I remained focused on learning how to live without a drink in my hand.  Since most of the time I “boosted” my coffee, tea, diet pepsi, anything I was drinking with vodka.  (I used to call it Vitamin V.) Then subsequently, I needed to learn how to live sober.  Almost every thing I did in my day, allowed me to be drinking something.  I would go to meetings with a Diet Mountain Dew laced with vodka, I never got caught. It took a lot of planning but that was how it went and my buzz was secure.

A New Way of Thinking

Since doing the Steps, I was able to recognize things about myself that I never knew.  Knowing these things have been so helpful to my life today.  I learned that I often set myself up for failure.  I take everything so seriously, dive in and cannot maintain the level of dedication that I start with. Today, I am putting one foot in front of the other and taking notice when I need to be kinder to myself.

The only thing I have to do 100%  (and not 110%), of the time, is to never, ever forget I am powerless over alcohol.


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