Recovery is tough but life is a lot tougher when I am not in Recovery. Not learning that I have a Pandora’s box inside my heart that fogs up my brain was tougher. Some people have said in meetings, “I didn’t know what I didn’t know.” I sure didn’t! The fun/odd thing is that while I worked the Steps I learned some things but it feels like SINCE I worked the Steps I started thinking differently and I have learned much more about myself than I ever could have imagined.
It has been more than a year since my first trip through the Steps. There is a meeting in our area that uses the “Came to Believe” book as the foundation for the format of their discussion. A couple weeks ago I was sitting in that meeting. Following along with what was being read. I could have sworn I heard something in my ear say, “It’s not your fault.” I was startled. Sure we are sitting in a church basement and the choir is practicing upstairs but I heard it. After a minute or so, I just relaxed and the meeting went on. I went home and sort of forgot about it.
I meditate. If you have read this blog you may know I meditate often. A couple times a day alone when I can and once a week in a group. This is the cross-legged kind, I focus on my breath and have done visualization and some other kinds. If you have never meditated before, I highly recommend it. Seems weird at first, but so did not drinking, then after time, I could feel the difference.
The next morning I was in my usual meditation routine and as I was ending and saying the Third Step Prayer, I heard the voice again, though this time it was a whisper and this time “IT” used my name. “Janis, it’s not your fault.” I sat there with that, not so jarred this time, but curious and over the next few days meetings and situations kept being put in front of me that pointed to how I have looked at things for probably 30 years. I have a couple of posts on my mind in the next few days.
It may not be your fault either, stay tuned.