Having a little bit of time under my belt, every now and then something happens and I am reminded…”Girl. you are in RECOVERY, take it easy.” At least now I know that is what it is and not something REAL! Most importantly, I don’t need to drink over it!
On The Road
I have a getaway cabin that my family uses. I am slowly trying to convert it into my “Writing Hamlet” from my “Party Place.” It is a nice place, not fancy but it has the ammenities. It is a few hours from where I live. About a month ago, I made a plan for the cable guy to come and upgrade my services so I get better internet. As usual, I try to combine the visits over at the cabin with REAL work – customers along the way. Yesterday my day started at 4:45am and I was “wide open” until about 3pm when I got here.
Because I was driving near the graveyard where my Dad was planted, I decided to take a detour and stop by and say “HI.” We have a section that is occupied by several of my family members, I have been there often. Before Dad, I would visit my grandmother, his mother. My grandmother and father were very close. They were there for each other for some pretty rough times. And she created a lot of his unintentionally.
We haven’t had a lot of snow this year, so mostly the little lakeside spot was muddy and wet with some ice remaining in the road. I got there, got out of my car and felt -nothing. Before my Dad died, I would always feel “something” there, I used to eat lunch on the tailgate of my truck , with a Rolling Rock and talk with my grandmother. She never answered back, but I felt as though she was there. Somehow my soul would feel less conflicted when our chats were over. But not yesterday. I felt an emptiness that was just eery. I swept the ice off the plaques and left. I said goodbye with tears in my eyes and my heart ached.
Lady In Waiting
My brother and I don’t talk often, not for any particular reason, he lives in another state and we are very different people. Last night we actually talked on the phone. I texted him a photo of the grave and he asked me how Dad was. I proceeded to tell him how I was feeling, no booze worries, I just talked. Said that I felt like people would haul me off if I talked about it with anyone. He said he felt the same feeling. He felt like my grandmother waited for my Dad and they both left together. I understood.
Even as tired as I was from driving a couple hundred miles and working for hours, I was restless and could not sleep. Finally when I did get to sleep, I slept fitfully. This morning I feel more settled, glad I talked to my brother. He is in mourning too, even though he isn’t one to talk about it.
Back to Basics
Recovery is a process. I need to recognize once again that I work for not drinking TODAY. Living “One Day At A Time.” Some days baggage gets unloaded and it is more overwhelming than expected. It is just growth. Someone said in a meeting once, “Pain is a touchstone of spiritual growth.” For now, I will bask in the gratitude of the sunshine and that today is FRIDAY! And I am sober.