What Do I Fear About Peace?

It has been such a nice day.  The weather is beautiful – a Maine spring is on its way, the sun is warm and there was no biting wind today.  I went to my morning meeting with the usual list of things to do afterward.  Everything was great.

Long overdo errands were done, plenty of time left in the day to go downtown and take myself on an Artist’s date.  Went to “Bookstore Day,”  did a little shopping, bought and ate some lunch alone and “people watched.”

Not Living in the Moment

The whole day I was distracted. Waiting for something to happen bad.  It was the strangest feeling – no conflict.  It was like I couldn’t let myself relax and enjoy the time.  I was rushing like I was on someone else’s schedule.

My last errand of the day was at a grocery store. For a Saturday afternoon, the place was a ghost town.  There were no crowds, no traffic – even the normally ridiculous parking lot was practically empty.  I was stunned.  It occurred to me then that I was looking for trouble all day and disappointed when I didn’t find it.  Instead of feeling happy and content ,  I was feeling anxious and looking for a dark cloud.

Home Again

I am home tonight and ahead of schedule with my errands, writing and ready for the week with Sunday still ahead to hang out a little with my writing crowd. I am happy that I am noticing this now.  I didn’t take time to meditate this morning and I am going to make sure I take some time tonight and tomorrow.  Maybe that will help.

I still don’t know “peace.”   I am closing in on 3 years of sobriety and I don’t understand a life without back to back keeping busy for the sake of being busy.  Not being with myself, walking with my Higher Power – really handing it over.  I wonder if this is what I am running from?

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One thought on “What Do I Fear About Peace?

  1. Many times I find myself asking these questions: why am I looking for the darkness instead of at the light? What is holding me back from surrendering, or trusting? Why do I choose to be busy with “the day to day” instead of stopping and listening to whatever my inner self is saying?

    Usually, when that happens the only way I can come to a healthier place is if I ask myself: Am I holding myself back because I think I don’t deserve better?

    Sometimes it helps me put things into perpective and gain clarity.

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