Monkey on my Back

When I first got into recovery, I remember feeling so many negative emotions.  Most of them around all the secrets I had been harboring.  Afraid at getting caucropped-nothingchanges.jpgght, wondering how much I was remembering about any given day or event.  I really felt like there was a huge weight on my shoulders. And not “medicating” these feelings, was rough.

As the Fog Lifted

After a few days and many meetings, I learned that many people felt like I did in the early days, but as I looked across the room at happy people that truly loved each other and cared earnestly, I began to think there was hope for me.  And there was.  And today when I choose again not to drink, there still is hope.  LOTS!

Short but Sweet

Today I am sitting in a library working.  May sound simple, but in this particular town, I have drank much and drank often.  Many days in a row.  It was where I “cut my teeth” on partying.  So sitting here at 9:30am without a Bloody Mary or my patent “Beers for breakfast” Rolling Rock is pretty monumental.  I have no regrets today and I don’t feel haunted.  I am tying up some loose ends and being productive.

I wanted to mention this in a quick post.  If you are struggling, get to a meeting. “They” mean what they say that it gets better.  I am noticing it and feeling it now- today.

Tonight when my travel day is through, I plan to make it to a meeting.




Hat Trick Anniversary! #3

On June 20, 2013, I walked into a homeless shelter in a neighboring city.  I hardly remember doing it.  I do remember being inside a shell of a body just trying to find my way to the AA Meeting.  It was my very first time.  And by the Grace of God and the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous I picked up my first and only White Chip.

One Day At A Time

I love the fact that I wrote in this blog since the beginning – 2013.  In fact, there are a few entries prior to my first AA Meeting.  What a journey it is.  If I had not written those raw, confused and honest feelings back then, I doubt I could recreate those words again.  Yet, when I read those words now, the feelings come rushing back, with gratitude that I am no longer in that place. As long as I follow simple instructions like going to meetings, nurturing my spiritual condition daily and staying in touch with the fellowship, I am using the tools to stay away from a drink today.

I Love the Old Timers

It seems like up in the Northeast, we have a lot of anniversaries in the Spring and early Summer.  I wonder if it is because of the change in seasons of Mother Nature coinciding with a recognition that we as humans need change.  I know for me, I was in that desperation, hating life, fearing death – feeling utterly powerless.

Today, I sit with people celebrating 38, 21, 43 years.  Each one at their celebration stating they have One Day.  Today.  I have wondered many times,”When can I relax – do I have to be consumed with this idea of being an alcoholic FOR-EVER?”

I heard last night at a celebration for a man with 38 years, he still lives “One Day at a Time.”  Before his marriage took place 22 years ago, his wife, let’s call her Jill- mentioned she was told by a woman in the program, let’s call her Sue that sobriety HAS to come first.  Must be a priority before all else.  Jill mentioned being a little pissed by being told this.  She thought she should come first.  Jill was told by Sue that Sobriety/Recovery must come first that without that her husband has nothing. IS nothing. Nothing to offer her, their family, no one- most importantly himself.

Jill is an “earth person,” she shared with the group last night that hearing this was probably the hardest thing to take at the time, but the best advice she could have received.  It has made a big difference in her understanding of the power of the disease of alcoholism.

So WOW.  When the celebrant spoke – (38 years), he spoke of service, gratitude and how much the fellowship has gotten him through some tough times.

Hearing an Old Timer think like a “Newcomer”  I wonder if that is what keeps them sober?