The Storm Passed – And I Watched It

So many times when I was drinking I would be IN the  drama.  Even though I would tell people, “Keep your drama away from me, I don’t need it…”  It would always find me (or I would go find it!)  Most of the time I would be trying to “fix” things, control people, especially when it was none of my business.  I would put myself in the middle and try to officiate.  Looking back on it now, I cannot even believe it.

Meditation

Meditation means different things to different people, I actually sit and meditate, cross legged with breathing for about 20 minutes twice a day (that is my goal anyway).  When I have a week like I had this week I check in with how “My program” is doing.  And I turbo charge whatever I am doing.  This week,along with adding a few more meetings, I “Up’ed” my game on my Meditation.  I meditated on the whole incident regarding my high school rapists death.  There were so many feelings. I found myself freezing.  Just like I did back in 1979.

Breathing DeepStorm Cloud

When I would get caught up in sadness, fear or just not knowing how I was feeling, other than just feeling shitty, I would close my eyes, connect to myself.  My body and the surfaces it was on – breathe deep into it.  Stay still.  Visualize my troubled feeling on a cloud and watch it go by and not walk into the cloud with it. Just breathe in, breathe out and let it go by, refuse to let all that replay within me. There was a lot of breathing, some crying. But no drinking.

“Life on Life’s Terms”

We hear this phrase over an over.  Some days I hate it.  But it is true.  Life does happen. Feelings old and new – happen.  It is all about living and learning new tools to cope with life’s circumstances.  Meditation is a wonderful tool for me- lets me experience life at the speed I am able, let’s me see things for what they are and are not.

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Ding, Dong! The D*CK is DEAD!

Growing Pains

Last Thursday I got a text from my brother. May not sound like a big deal, my brother and I get along, we are not close and usually contact doesn’t mean good news.

The text said “Did you hear about Dick – Less?”  (insert real name here).  I texted back (after a gulp) “No.”  (Dick-Less is the man that I wrote about back in 2014– he raped me.  Part II, Part III.)  My brother texted back, “He died unexpectedly in his sleep.” My immediate reaction was,  “Thanks A$$hole, when people usually die in their sleep, it isn’t expected.”  Of course I didn’t bother to text that back, instead I texted, “Too Bad.” Then I asked, “How did you hear?”

As it Unfolded

My brother has his own issues. I told him at the time I was raped by his friend (and my first boyfriend), back in the 80’s.  He pretended that he didn’t remember that situation even tho he was around when it happened. So after he told me he had read about it on Facebook, I said, “Oh.”  He said, ” I haven’t heard any word from him since 1979?”  I got pissed.  Texted back, “I hate the man I am glad that he is dead.”  He said, “Yeah, I thought as much. I spent a lot of time debating whether to tell you or not.”

Amends

When I did Step 4, I dumped it all out there and my Sponsor was great.  She suggested that I just put his name aside and let things ride, see how I felt.  I never saw the guy and as outlined in that blog post, my making amends was a real “motive” check as to why I would do it or not do it.  I hadn’t sorted it out – all my other amends have been made and honestly I hadn’t decided what to do about him.

Higher Power

There were people on my “HELL NO” List that I claimed I would never make amends to and yet in every case (except this one) I made the amends without even thinking about it. I mean my words came tumbling out and were heartfelt.  Each one of the amends I made were good experiences, people were receptive.  Settling ones.  Almost like folding up a shirt that just came out of the laundry and putting it away. And “One Day At A Time,”  I try to LIVE my amends.  That seems most effective.

So this guy is dead.  “Unexpectedly in his sleep.”  Still think this is total irony.  (I have an alibi – I swear. He is not worth the whiskey or the jail time.)  I do feel for his family.  Death is sad for them in this situation.

Feelings2016-01-07 08.23.51

Oh yeah, they are back.  I am confused, sad, mad -almost like I was 16 all over again. Since

I don’t know what to do, I am going to another meeting.  Perhaps “HP” has decided what to do about it for me.

I Used to Freak Out…And Everyone Paid for it!

What it was like…

When I drank, it was a constant, mostly mellow buzz and I had to “feed the beast” often.  I woke up in the night most nights had a little “something” to ease my shakes and the anxiety that made my head spin.  Certainly, there were times for me that included “wondering what I had said or did” but for 95% of my active drinking days and nights it was just keeping mySELF at bay.  That was how I “lived.”

The Fourth of July

In Maine our license plate motto is VACATIONLAND and has been my whole life.  And like many “Mainers,”  I take off for a long weekend at “camp.”  When I drank, I would work to maintain some even keel living before I left – a few “snorts” and grip the steering wheel with both hands trying to navigate the craziness on the highway as well as in my head.  Before I left town, if I hadn’t “taken the edge off”  everyone paid for it, I was snappy, nervous and extremely short tempered. I was detoxing, or at least now it feels like that was what I was doing.  I was like that when I returned home to the Big City, too. Managing the buzz was a full time commitment.

Things Have Changed – I Have Changed

When I got home last night, I noticed last night, I hadn’t gotten anxious driving to camp or back home.  The traffic is the traffic – on a Holiday weekend, people come here, spend money and time with their families – we share the same roads.  I also figured out that I didn’t get snappy before leaving to go to camp or from camp.  It was a level of acceptance that I actually noticed.

Early Sobriety

It has been 3 years now, the first year or so my anxiety level was thru the roof, especially around driving.  The weather, the traffic, snowy roads, all of it.  I started turning off the radio when I drove.  I played Tibetan bowl music in traffic.  It really helped calm me down, I am pretty sure it kept me away from MANY first drinks. I often wonder if the real FEAR was a hangover from drinking days of getting caught by the cops?  I was sober after all.

Yesterday

I took the long way home (by 8 miles) to avoid the part of the trip that makes my heart race the most.  And an extra 8 miles to stay sober when I would have driven 50 to get a drink, is some “One Day At A Time” thinking. I am glad to see I did it naturally.  It is the little things that make my life better.  Thank you for being here.