So many times when I was drinking I would be IN the drama. Even though I would tell people, “Keep your drama away from me, I don’t need it…” It would always find me (or I would go find it!) Most of the time I would be trying to “fix” things, control people, especially when it was none of my business. I would put myself in the middle and try to officiate. Looking back on it now, I cannot even believe it.
Meditation means different things to different people, I actually sit and meditate, cross legged with breathing for about 20 minutes twice a day (that is my goal anyway). When I have a week like I had this week I check in with how “My program” is doing. And I turbo charge whatever I am doing. This week,along with adding a few more meetings, I “Up’ed” my game on my Meditation. I meditated on the whole incident regarding my high school rapists death. There were so many feelings. I found myself freezing. Just like I did back in 1979.
When I would get caught up in sadness, fear or just not knowing how I was feeling, other than just feeling shitty, I would close my eyes, connect to myself. My body and the surfaces it was on – breathe deep into it. Stay still. Visualize my troubled feeling on a cloud and watch it go by and not walk into the cloud with it. Just breathe in, breathe out and let it go by, refuse to let all that replay within me. There was a lot of breathing, some crying. But no drinking.
“Life on Life’s Terms”
We hear this phrase over an over. Some days I hate it. But it is true. Life does happen. Feelings old and new – happen. It is all about living and learning new tools to cope with life’s circumstances. Meditation is a wonderful tool for me- lets me experience life at the speed I am able, let’s me see things for what they are and are not.