A lot of Recovery work for me has pointed out a bunch of self sabotage tactics that were in my daily life. Things I reacted to, drank over, meddled in – sure, tried to FIX.
In these past 3+ years, I have learned that I honestly don’t like conflict. Looking over past situations however, I have put myself in the middle of it and tried to get everyone to get along. Only now I know, I cannot FIX anyone, nor is it my business to do it. I am still in the “fallout” zone of poor decisions I made while I was drinking. Some things I have changed, but it hasn’t been the time to change it all. Through lots of chats with HP, I still need to keep on the path that the light has been shone on. Meaning – I would love to walk away from some situations because they piss me off. The people piss me off. The interactions are not healthy. I would have done that if I was drinking. Everything is different today.
“It’s Not My Business”
How I hate hearing that. How I hate saying that. I am not a fighter. So as I recite the Third Step Prayer for the “um-teenth” time today, I have to remember that it is not my fight. For years I put myself in the middle of the fight, the disagreement, so it is understandable that these opportunities are natural for others to say, “Well, so and so … and so and so…” I was always the “negotiator.” But not today. I needed to walk away, take a breath and just say, “You really need to tell them how you are feeling directly.” Certainly, it is easier for a person to sound off at me, I don’t fight back. I don’t know the details because (drum roll…..IT IS NOT MY BUSINESS!! I AM NOT INVOLVED!!!)
For years I have been the glue that has kept things together. I am by no means a hero, in fact I probably enabled this to go on longer than it should have or piled on and never dealt with in the first place. My involvement wasn’t healthy for anyone-especially myself. And with some non-drinking time under my belt, I can see it more clearly.
It really all – ALL is in my HP’s hands. It is just a hard habit to break-but WOW it blows me away when POW! It is all so obvious. Handing it over….