Right now, I know there is a little hysteria about clowns, but bear with me.
Even after a few years of Recovery (One Day At A Time) under my belt, I am still amazed at how most of the people in my life had no idea the depths of my alcoholism. I am not talking about how much I drank, how often I drank and how little people knew about why I drank.
When I did the Steps with my Sponsor the first year, it was only the tip of the iceberg of what was happening with me. I would still say that I made a “fearless and moral inventory” of my faults and character defects. I knew the names of what I was saying, but I didn’t know the actual depths of the things that were buried within me. It has take these few years of continually going to meetings, talking to friends in the program, living Recovery as much as I can. Learning about myself has been hard at times, but using the tools of prayer and meditation have helped me look at these things and not own and absorb them anymore.
I DESPISED MYSELF
I have said in meetings, the last days of my drinking were days of isolation and self hatred. And when I understand that I am not the same person as I was then, I can talk about that it came down to the fact that I wanted things to stop. I felt that the world would be a better place if I wasn’t in it. Never did I think that my family would be devastated I felt that they would be better off if I wasn’t around.
My way into the storm of my alcoholism took a long time. From what I can see now, it took about 10 years. My marriage had ended and I was devastated. Everything that I thought my husband and I worked for and were working for to retire was changed. I had moved to a new place to take a job that was going to allow us to move closer to our dreams and in reality it moved me further away from my husband and he closer to wanting something different. Then he and his lover had a child together. The job I had moved 3 hours away to take – ended as the company retreated back to Canada.
I cannot say that I am without blame here, I certainly took it all, owned it and drank to cover my feelings. Did lots of volunteer work, started a business, worked my a$$ off. Worked so I wouldn’t have to think or feel. I drank mostly on weekends and binged once in a while, nothing serious, but certainly it wasn’t normal. As the years past, the binging stopped and I drank every night. I worked late often and drank when I got home. I thought I deserved it. I was taking glasses of wine to bed with a book. Later on, I would wake up in the night and have a drink to get back to sleep. With every sip, I was covering my loneliness, fear and feeding my disease what it needed to take hold of me, of my life. I gave in, it was the easier, softer way.
In A Meeting, Carl said one time
“I was sick. I didn’t know how bad. I was dying, I didn’t know when.” That was me too. I didn’t care when, I just wanted it to be over.
And it was from that deep, dark, place I found HOPE in AA. My whole life is different. I meditate, I pray, I go to meetings. I work, I write, I help others struggling, I also help my family and friends. I do fun things and live without drinking.
But Life Still Happens – My job is to live it without drinking today.
*thank you to Pinterest for this image.