Sorry for the “eff” bomb, but I heard this in the rooms and I always try to stay true to what others say, as they say it. It resonated with this alcoholic and I hoping it does for you.
When I first came into these rooms I heard a lot about FEAR, people mentioned it often, I thought I felt it, but couldn’t figure out why just thinking about FEAR when people said it, I became uncomfortable and sometimes angry.
In the old days, I would throw my hands up and say, “Let’s get a drink!” In the end, I wasn’t bothering with SAYING it or going anywhere with anyone. I would just slowly shake my head to myself and pour another and another. This was how I did things. How I chose not to deal with it. I trained myself to think this way.
Now I want to snap my fingers and in 3 short years I think I am going to be CURED. That my “go-to” of escaping and running like hell would change. But it didn’t.
An avatar I use often is a coin (that I have long since passed on to someone) – NOTHING CHANGES is printed on one side and on the other side is IF NOTHING CHANGES. Little did I know that when I choose “One Day At A Time” not to drink, EVERYTHING changes. And some of it doesn’t feel very comfortable. Some of it is downright painful.
This is where I am now.
My Sponsor suggested that I don’t make significant changes (if it wasn’t an emergency), within my first year. My emotions would be raw and if I could wait, it would be a good idea. One of these changes is huge for me. Ending a business relationship that is 16 years old. I have written about this before, hoping to sort it out through writing. I guess maybe hoping it would just go away. And now, I have crossed the line of “Accepting” that it won’t change and “Courage” to change what I can. Which is me in this business relationship.
The list is a mile long as to things that I find no longer acceptable in doing business the way it is being done. Not withstanding treating employees unfairly and without respect. I’m tired of patching up situations that are brewing which are really none of my business. It is more of a “guilt by association” thing and I cannot do it any longer.
I am finding a pattern in me that allows me to stick with relationships that are unhealthy and borderline abusive. And when the topic is brought up, I am ignored, shoved aside. Over and over again.
Perhaps this falls into the “going to any length” category? I need to take care of me first. Get that Resume out and begin again reach out to my professional connections and not isolate. Make sober choices that allow for Recovery over Destruction.