The last 3 posts were done in order to explain a situation that happened last week. As I have mentioned, I was working the Steps and completely out of the blue feelings overcame me. Writing those posts helped and I appreciate your sticking with me. This blog helps in so many ways. I am happy that people read it and I truly hope it gives strength and support to others. For me, there are good days and not so good days. Last week was a string of several bad days in a row, all brought about by an innocent contact from someone that rescued me from the abyss I had been living in back in 1978.
The procedure I had in New York kept me out of the water for a couple weeks and there was a significant blood loss that really wiped me out. But I swam anyway. Not particularly well, but I did swim. I went to practice and went through the motions. After a month or so, I was physically back to fighting speed. Since I am a documented asthmatic, we told everyone I had been having a rough patch with asthma and again people accepted it and forgot about the strangeness of the situation. I stuffed it deep inside. Until just recently, I realized how deep it was. I learned early how to “fake it till I make it.”
My brother is 2 1/2 years older than I am. The “offender” was his age and one of his high school friends that he had left behind when he went into the military. At the time, he was serving at a base about 5 hours from where we lived. I told him nothing about what had happened and neither did my parents. It was not uncommon for my brother to show up with friends from far away places at our house or camp for a home cooked meal or at camp for a party.
In the late summer of that year, on one of his trips to visit my parents and I were at camp. He showed up with a car full of buddies. It was a great time of cribbage games and laughs. I was still swimming and under age, there was no alcohol for me but it didn’t matter, we played guitars and had a great time.
After that trip, my brother showed up with one of the friends he brought to camp at one of my swim meets. It was great to see him and after that visit, we started writing letters. Then talking. I had not been involved in anyone since that Spring and this man was kind, quiet and extremely caring. Many times, I thought he knew what had happened to me. I continued to burn up the pool, get through high school and think about college. My new friend was very supportive, showed up at the occasional meet (after driving for hours) and sat next to me on the bleachers, cheered me on. I always felt safe.
It was known after a while that we had bloomed into a couple. Kisses and hugs, no sex. To think back on it now, I don’t know he did it. The last thing on my mind was sex, but I could crawl up into his arms and he would hold me close. One day we were riding in his car somewhere and I just blurted out a very small abstract of what had happened to me before I met him. I don’t remember what it was exactly but I remember him saying, “I knew someone hurt you, I felt it. I want you to trust me, I would never hurt you that way. Ever.”
I sat in his car sobbing and trying to apologize for being so damaged. I couldn’t stop crying. I didn’t unload the whole story. But once I had started, I needed to know what I was saying wasn’t going to cause him to leave me too. I told him about my father calling me “Whore.” All he said was, ” Everything is going to be all right. Just as long as I never, ever meet this guy.”
I started slowly to rebuild my trust and he was the reason. We dated for 3 years. There was no sex, he treated me like a china doll. It was my Higher Power helping me heal, helping me to grow up. This part of the story is over but there is more that will be told later on that had come to light during my Step work. The Good News is he isn’t angry at me now and didn’t feel like my apology was necessary. More on that later.