I recently got “Drunk Dialed.” It was later on in the morning around 10:30 and it was one of my old friends. I must say my old best friend. We often spoke early in the day, one of us needing the other, most of the time we were planning where we were going to “drink lunch.” It has been 2 1/2 years since I have been a participant in that type of call.
Like many of us, when I decided to make changes in my life, most of my friends did not. Most of my friends drank like I did, most of my friends are still drinking like I did. I cannot say they are alcoholic, that is for them to decide. But when I decided “enough was enough” my daily decisions did not include where I was drinking and therefore did not include my old friends. There was no blow up, no arguments or sharp words. We just didn’t see each other very often anymore.
“I Decided I Have to Stop Drinking”
Was the first sentence I said to my friend on June 21, 2013 over the phone. I then continued, “I decided I am going to go to AA.” I had been to my first 3 meetings the day before. She said something like, “Just take a break, you will be all right, just slow down a little.” I continued on to say that I wouldn’t be joining her for lunch and not to take it personally. I just couldn’t drink anymore.
It was a short call. But I said “my peace,” there was no yelling, I remember I was sad. Knowing that I was closing the door on my best friend. She was someone I did a lot of things with, certainly all of them included drinking but we were close and we could always talk to each other.
The weeks went on and I am not exactly sure how long it was – a few months maybe. She called, we met for lunch in a place we normally didn’t go. I didn’t drink and she drank some wine. It was awkward feeling I remember, we didn’t talk about AA but she saw that I wasn’t drinking. We talked about the people we knew, her kids, my dogs, normal stuff.
Probably in the past 2 1/2 years we have been together 4 or 5 times when before it was 4 or 5 times a week. I don’t push my program. I just try and live it. I have talked to her probably 10 times on the phone, sometimes it sounds like she has been drinking and sometimes not. Lately, I have felt like my Higher Power is nudging me along to reconnect with her on a more “personal” level. Her last phone call was so sad I have had a hard time getting it out of my head. I sometimes wonder if she even remembers that I told her about AA those 2 1/2 years ago.
Today Was The Day
I have spoken about this conundrum in meetings lately and prayed about it. I finally decided to write her a note. It is the Holidays after all and today I did it. I was short and sweet, I put it down on paper:
I cannot believe that it has been 2 ½ years since I stopped drinking. I would be lying if I said my life hasn’t changed. It has. I actually want to live now. The morning I called you that summer and told you I stopped drinking and started going to AA was the day I thought I was going to die. The problem was, I wasn’t dying fast enough. I mean I didn’t have a shot gun in my mouth or anything but I sure felt like life wasn’t worth living. I felt pretty lonely and very scared.
There were a few more paragraphs, but that one above is the meat and potatoes of the note. I wanted to open the door that I was still going to meetings and perhaps if I told her how I was feeling when I started AA, she may think about it. She may consider calling me for help.
As I have said in this blog before, stay tuned. As I live life on life’s terms, I will keep you posted. I do feel better that I have done something with the “little voice” I kept hearing to tell me to reach out to her. A letter is something that a person can read when the time is right or they can burn it if they choose. I do feel a lot better about it now that it is in the mail no matter which choice she makes.