Ding, Dong! The D*CK is DEAD!

Growing Pains

Last Thursday I got a text from my brother. May not sound like a big deal, my brother and I get along, we are not close and usually contact doesn’t mean good news.

The text said “Did you hear about Dick – Less?”  (insert real name here).  I texted back (after a gulp) “No.”  (Dick-Less is the man that I wrote about back in 2014– he raped me.  Part II, Part III.)  My brother texted back, “He died unexpectedly in his sleep.” My immediate reaction was,  “Thanks A$$hole, when people usually die in their sleep, it isn’t expected.”  Of course I didn’t bother to text that back, instead I texted, “Too Bad.” Then I asked, “How did you hear?”

As it Unfolded

My brother has his own issues. I told him at the time I was raped by his friend (and my first boyfriend), back in the 80’s.  He pretended that he didn’t remember that situation even tho he was around when it happened. So after he told me he had read about it on Facebook, I said, “Oh.”  He said, ” I haven’t heard any word from him since 1979?”  I got pissed.  Texted back, “I hate the man I am glad that he is dead.”  He said, “Yeah, I thought as much. I spent a lot of time debating whether to tell you or not.”

Amends

When I did Step 4, I dumped it all out there and my Sponsor was great.  She suggested that I just put his name aside and let things ride, see how I felt.  I never saw the guy and as outlined in that blog post, my making amends was a real “motive” check as to why I would do it or not do it.  I hadn’t sorted it out – all my other amends have been made and honestly I hadn’t decided what to do about him.

Higher Power

There were people on my “HELL NO” List that I claimed I would never make amends to and yet in every case (except this one) I made the amends without even thinking about it. I mean my words came tumbling out and were heartfelt.  Each one of the amends I made were good experiences, people were receptive.  Settling ones.  Almost like folding up a shirt that just came out of the laundry and putting it away. And “One Day At A Time,”  I try to LIVE my amends.  That seems most effective.

So this guy is dead.  “Unexpectedly in his sleep.”  Still think this is total irony.  (I have an alibi – I swear. He is not worth the whiskey or the jail time.)  I do feel for his family.  Death is sad for them in this situation.

Feelings2016-01-07 08.23.51

Oh yeah, they are back.  I am confused, sad, mad -almost like I was 16 all over again. Since

I don’t know what to do, I am going to another meeting.  Perhaps “HP” has decided what to do about it for me.

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Anonymity Is the Spiritual Foundation…

Of all our traditions ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.” Not quite sure how to correctly punctuate that, but you know what I mean.

There are a bunch of sayings in AA that have resonated with me.  Some of them at first I didn’t like, some of them meant a particular thing when I first heard them and over time as my thinking changed, the meanings changed – usually they became deeper and more meaningful.  And this particular one really means so much more than when I first entered “The Halls.”

Keeping a Secret

When I was out there drinking, I was always the person people would come to me with their problems, ideas, dreams  and I would listen.  I still do that now and like then, I never tell a secret.  This is something some people have to get used to, some of them tell me things thinking that I will pass on their story, they learn quickly, what I am told, I keep to myself.  Your story is yours.

Gossip

Is not my deal. I value when people trust me to be a good listener, help someone process feelings or ideas without another person judging them.  It is also not my deal to use their information as a weapon or power  to make more friends.  Gossip is generally hurtful.  Hurt feelings are the worst. When I was drinking, I was great at hurting myself, beat myself up, I had no idea.  Now that I really understand what hurt is, I am really not willing to do that to someone else.

“I am a Writer,”  THERE, I said it!

Ever since I can remember, I have gone through periods where I have written down my thoughts and feelingsin a journal, it was a way for me to sort them out.  As I have gotten older, I have written a vast array of things. White papers, technical articles, web copy and content for many companies, it was their story.  I am a good listener and I can write.  Could it be a gift from my Higher Power?

Writing this blog was the first time I really focused on writing for myself.  I put it down for a while and then it comes back and haunts me until I write again.  I wonder if it is my Higher Power telling me this is what I need to do, it is easy for me and I really enjoy it.  I even have a book in mind. A recovery journey book.

Good Ole Janis

As I mentioned early in this blog, Janis La Joie is not my real name.  I wanted a way to process my feelings without concern of people knowing who I was.  Let’s be clear, all the feelings and situations are honest ones, they happened, I felt them.  The only thing in disguise is MY NAME, TOWN I LIVE IN, stuff that I would prefer non-program people who have their own baggage not know about.  No one should try and recover under a microscope including me.  Recovery is hard enough with all the shame and guilt I have of my own to get through, I don’t need others and  “their $hit”  to complicate my recovery journey.

Making the Leap

NO, I am not hiring a skywriter that “outs” me.  But I have created a FB profile for Janis and all her recovery shares that really don’t work to use in this blog format.  Please come and join me – friend me.  I will not post anything on anyone’s wall that indicates Recovery.  I will post things on my wall that you may feel free to share or you may comment if you like. You may “Direct or Private” message me through FB if you would like.  As I have heard in the program many of us hit such a public bottom (aka train wreck), that anonymity is not an issue.  But I don’t make that decision for other people and neither does Janis.  So come over to Facebook so we can keep better in touch.  The blog will be more active than ever but if you are like me your FB is always open!

Remembering that recovery is “One Day At A Time.”