Personality Clash

When I first started AA, my focus was on not drinking.  What a surprise it was to me to realize that alcohol was only my addiction and it was me that needed focusing on.  I had counted on alcohol to take everything out of focus, so I didn’t have to think about “little ole me…” *meh*

Gay Men

I love hearing comments from people regarding the fact that it seems that gay men have the most or at least the most beautiful female friends.  And why do you think that is? Gay men are not sexually motivated or attracted to women.  Period.  In my experience with gay men (and I have some awesome gay friends), the relationship between a gay man and a straight woman is pure friendship. There is no pressure on either party to “put out.”  And often with gay men, their interests are very similar to a woman’s interests. There is no sexual tension and no concern of it.  If your best friend is a gay man and you are a female reading this, I am pretty sure this isn’t news to you.

It Seemed to Just Happen That Way

Growing up, I was the only girl in a boy neighborhood.  I learned to climb trees, fish and hunt like all the kids did, I just happened to be female.  After I worked through my 4th Step, I realized a couple dark secrets that I had stuffed away regarding my relationships with older boys and some men when I was young.  It is the kind of thing I wanted to forget about.  One of those inner layers of the onion they talk about.

I always have felt more comfortable with men friends than female friends.  Men seem to settle scores quicker, harbor less grudges and be less emotion driven.  That works for me.  Women seem to be hold grudges, be more secretive and stab each other in the back if they think they can get more credit rather than to cheer on another woman.  That doesn’t work for me.

Now

Most of my friends are male.  My business partners are male and my company is all male.  I am wondering now if there is sexual tension that may exist in this environment that I never realized.  I have not slept with any of my partners nor anyone in my company.  But I have slept with many men looking for acceptance or even power, now matter how subtle the situation may be.  I have also slept with men when I am afraid and lonely.  Some of the sex has been spectacular.  But most of it really wasn’t worth it.  I put on weight in the past few years.  I am thinking now I may have subconsciously done it to be less appealing to my men friends and my potential men friends.  This way I don’t have to say no, because the situation doesn’t arise.  And I am not drinking, so I don’t get drunk and end up in bed with these guys.  No harm, no foul, right?  I guess now it is time for the Serenity Prayer…

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