Sex, Drugs and Rock ‘n Roll

Maslow had a theory.  It was called the hierarchy of needs.  And if you have never heard of it, every person in psychology or marketing class discusses it.  It is a theory on human behavior.  This blog isn’t a discussion on whether the theory it correct or not, though as I work through this life more and more I am observing that somehow I am in that triangle.

I am Living at the Bottom

The bottom of the Maslow’s triangle is Physiological – that means Air, Shelter, Sleep, Water, Food, Sex.  If you have ever seen a person in Hospice or a person die, it is amazing to watch the human spirit try and survive.  Until its last breath. And I always thought Sex was on this list because of our need to procreate, as a tree dies, it uses all it’s energy to make sure that life goes on when it no longer can, it sprouts saplings and seed pods, cones, etc. It wants it’s species to survive.  Since I stopped drinking, lots of things have happened to me as part of recovery.  When I was drinking my sleeping patterns were horrendous, I didn’t care much about eating, booze was my water and sex was usually something that happened after drinking and drinking a lot.

The Day the Music Died

I have always loved listening to music. Though I do play an instrument here or there, but blasting  music and cleaning the house, cooking or just working has been part of me.  In the past couple of years of my drinking, I wasn’t listening to a lot of music.  Certainly not singing in my car like I used to do. I would listen to talk radio and get irritated at politics and politicians rather than to enjoy an old favorite Patsy Cline tune.  It was as if my feelings for joy had become dulled.  Music sometimes irritated me also, even my old favorites.

Sex Talk

I remember early in my recovery, people used to talk about sex. I was worrying about making it an hour without drinking and they were talking about sex?  They talked about how it effected them and how they may have used it as a weapon with others.  As I work the Steps, I learned about some sexual situations in my past that molded my life. I never dealt with them then and as I grew older, sex and other situations like sex were enhanced or covered up by alcohol.  Ending up in the wrong bed with the wrong guy, waking up next to someone, taking inventory or my body and wondering, “Shit, did we…?”  Or just sneaking out altogether hoping that my companion wouldn’t remember either.  Just like music, I stopped enjoying sex and certainly knew nothing about the correlation of sex and love since my marriage broke up in 1999.   I believe that Maslow is talking about sex in the way of procreation and not necessarily for pleasure purposes. I am not sure where I am on the sex part.  Too old to procreate too young not want to lose my “groove.”  Not sure where this fits in with my recovery but it must somewhere.

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Cleaning Out the Locker, (Part III)

If you are late to this series, I talk about being raped in the first post, I talk about dealing with it immediately, in Part II.  Now when it really gets “good.” *sarcasm filter*

Thanksgiving Break

My boyfriend came home from school over Thanksgiving and we got together.  I asked him what had happened when I came to visit him at his Fraternity.  He sort of scolded me for my visiting him and said, “You could have really gotten into trouble.”  I said, “But I wanted to see you and I didn’t expect that you would hurt me the way you did.”  He said, “Well, I didn’t mean that to happen either and if you hadn’t come, it wouldn’t have.”  Bewildered, I let the subject drop.  We both were working together over his vacation and things were normal “sort of.”  He went back to school and finished out his semester, returning for Christmas break. Again, we saw each other but it wasn’t the same.  He never apologized or even offered an explanation and I felt lost.  I was still in high school, while he was on vacation and working, I was often at school or swimming.  The time and experience distanced us.  There were no harsh words, there were no words at all.

February Vacation

I was going to practice, getting ready for the next big meet.  I looked down at myself and saw something.  I was gaining weight.  Swimming 5,000/day and gaining weight?  I also hadn’t been feeling well.  I went to the Doctor and the news came.  I was pregnant.  I will never forget that look on my mother’s face.  She was horrified, so was I. On the way home in the car, Mom said, “Are you going to call him?”  I said, “Yes, I guess so.”  She said, “Let me deal with your father.”  I knew that was going to be bad. Real bad.  This would cause another of the famous fights we had in our household.  One we hadn’t had in quite a while.

Whore

My father came up over the stairs 3 at a time.  “So what is the little whore going to do about this?”  I heard him say.  All ready I had called the fraternity house and left a message, it was common to call the House phone and leave a message.  It was uncommon for me to have to leave many, without any returned call, which was how it played out.

Boarding the Plane

A silent plane ride to W. Hempstead, NY and a silent 3 days set the stage for the day I killed my baby.  I had an abortion.  No boyfriend to hold my hand, only an ashamed mother that tried to make the best of a terrible situation.  There was no “decision” to make whether I was to “keep” the baby, my parents decided I would abort. And I did.

Secrets

I never told my parents about the events that led up to my pregnancy. It was bad enough all ready.  I was ashamed. I knew my father would load a shotgun and kill my boyfriend and though I really thought I wanted to myself, the shame and grief was too great to deal with all that.  My parents thought it was teenage sex, I got pregnant.  I left it at that.  Time marched on and I got back to my life, scarred and never to be the same again.

I never saw my old boyfriend again until about 5 years ago at a funeral.  He couldn’t look me in the eye and how could he? He did know that I was pregnant though the news never came from me to him directly. My calls to him remained unanswered.  There was no such thing as voice mail then.  I learned that he knew absolutely from a mutual friend that asked me about it 10 years ago.  He only asked because I had asked him where “our” friend was living.  After that conversation, I got rip roaring drunk and cried myself to sleep, a cry I had been waiting for for 24 years.

Personality Clash

When I first started AA, my focus was on not drinking.  What a surprise it was to me to realize that alcohol was only my addiction and it was me that needed focusing on.  I had counted on alcohol to take everything out of focus, so I didn’t have to think about “little ole me…” *meh*

Gay Men

I love hearing comments from people regarding the fact that it seems that gay men have the most or at least the most beautiful female friends.  And why do you think that is? Gay men are not sexually motivated or attracted to women.  Period.  In my experience with gay men (and I have some awesome gay friends), the relationship between a gay man and a straight woman is pure friendship. There is no pressure on either party to “put out.”  And often with gay men, their interests are very similar to a woman’s interests. There is no sexual tension and no concern of it.  If your best friend is a gay man and you are a female reading this, I am pretty sure this isn’t news to you.

It Seemed to Just Happen That Way

Growing up, I was the only girl in a boy neighborhood.  I learned to climb trees, fish and hunt like all the kids did, I just happened to be female.  After I worked through my 4th Step, I realized a couple dark secrets that I had stuffed away regarding my relationships with older boys and some men when I was young.  It is the kind of thing I wanted to forget about.  One of those inner layers of the onion they talk about.

I always have felt more comfortable with men friends than female friends.  Men seem to settle scores quicker, harbor less grudges and be less emotion driven.  That works for me.  Women seem to be hold grudges, be more secretive and stab each other in the back if they think they can get more credit rather than to cheer on another woman.  That doesn’t work for me.

Now

Most of my friends are male.  My business partners are male and my company is all male.  I am wondering now if there is sexual tension that may exist in this environment that I never realized.  I have not slept with any of my partners nor anyone in my company.  But I have slept with many men looking for acceptance or even power, now matter how subtle the situation may be.  I have also slept with men when I am afraid and lonely.  Some of the sex has been spectacular.  But most of it really wasn’t worth it.  I put on weight in the past few years.  I am thinking now I may have subconsciously done it to be less appealing to my men friends and my potential men friends.  This way I don’t have to say no, because the situation doesn’t arise.  And I am not drinking, so I don’t get drunk and end up in bed with these guys.  No harm, no foul, right?  I guess now it is time for the Serenity Prayer…